'Snooki & JWoww' Recap: Three Gay Joeys and a Fake Baby

News that the sixth season of Jersey Shore will be its last has me pondering the nature of reality TV, or at least the kind of reality TV where no competes for anything. What is that sweet spot in our brains' pleasure centers that revels in the combination of mockery and delight, revulsion and empathy, and how did Jersey Shore cater to it so well? How is Here Comes Honey Boo Boo currently satiating that same desire, so much so that it got better ratings than the RNC? And, most importantly, I'm not the only one who had that same amazing feeling when we saw Gay Joey throw up into the couch cushions last night, right? It's like love, I think. You can't control who you reality TV with. It's outof your hands.

But I get ahead of myself. Jersey Shore might be journeying to Valinor this fall, but Snooki & JWoww is still kicking, unlike the creepy, heavy plastic babies JWoww orders as a form of practice for Nicole. "I hear it's the best thing for practicing pregnancy or abstinence. It's a little late for that one," JWoww declared. Whatever else I think about her, she really went to bat trying to get Snooki a tan baby doll and for that I commend her. "Some sort of off-white. Half Spanish?" she inquires. "You could probably paint your baby if you wanted to," the customer service rep mused. This seems like a real opportunity to expand your customer base!

Once it's inside the house, Snooki approaches the doll, with its Darth Vader respiration and startling baby wiener, with the same curious disgust you might have for, well, a fake baby. That baby ain't right. "What is the noise? Are you alive?," she asks it tentatively. Just like a real infant, the fake baby gives you two minutes to figure out which of its four needs must be met before it loses its shit. "It doesn't have any facial expressions," JWoww cringes as the twin robots start to wail. Oh, did I not mention she got one too? That night Snooki is kept awake by a screaming automaton, unable to soothe it with a fake bottle or a fake diaper change or the two other things a baby might need, I'm not the one to ask.

I wish we could have seen Snooki interact with some actual babies at some point, but I'll settle for tiny pink-and-purple tip-dyed dogs. "They're like Skittles," Snooki coos as they pick up JWoww's newly florescent pooches. I'm assuming the only reason the dogs aren’t leopard print is because it's very difficult to paint spots on a little, squirming animal. I guess what I'm saying is, it would have been nice to see them try.

Despite the fact that they are chained to cyborg offspring for the foreseeable future, the girls invite over the three Gay Joeys for Gay Joey-palooza. You've got a twink, an otter and a bear. While two of the Joeys are friends of Snooki and JWoww, the otter Joey is just the guy from the dog grooming place, right? Perfection. "Oh my God, do I have to bring this thing to the gay bar?" JWoww asks. You know this is TV because none of the Joeys got drunk and stuffed the babies into their messenger bags, even after they started screaming and howling. Instead the Joeys drunkenly helped Snooki change its not-real diaper, pushing its little pointless stroller down the street even as they struggle to stay upright. "There's nothing better than hanging out with your gay friends at a gay bar with a fake baby," JWoww confirms. It's like the saying goes: one Joey is silver, and the other's gold.

Back at the ranch, the littlest Joey barfs between the back of the couch and the cushions, and then continues to hork in the sink as everyone else laughs maniacally and the babies cry on. If Jersey Shore's only legacy is readying the world for a 20-year-old gay male Snooki to get his own spinoff, they should consider the whole experiment a success. Oh, I guess they also made millions upon millions of dollars. You can probably consider that evidence of a success, too. I honestly laughed out loud at how little Jionni cared about Snooki's fake baby, which makes sense, seeing as how they were busy taking her real offspring to the gyno to find out its sex, a visit which prompted this exchange:

JWoww: "Did you wash your vagina?"
Snooki: "He's not going up there."
JWoww: "Yeah, but just in case?"

You could tell Jionni wanted to slap that little plastic appliance out of Snooki's hands, but they both melted when they found her fetus was a boy. "The wiener?" Jionni crowed as the doctor pointed to a shadow on the ultrasound. "Yeah, I think so," the nicest doctor in the world replied. "I can say your son has a nice penis!" JWoww insisted to an adorably horrified Snooki. Knowing that they eventually named the baby Lorenzo made the fact that Snooki called the fake baby Lorenzo kind of off-putting. But who knows! When we look back on their respective careers, perhaps we'll realize that Jersey Shore was the fake baby that came before. Maybe Snooki & JWoww is the real Lorenzo. No, you're right. I'm being an idiot. Three Gay Joeys & a Baby is clearly the real Lorenzo.

Last week: The Only Thing You're Winning at Is Losing Me

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'Snooki & JWoww' Recap: The Most Insecure Person in the World

After weeks of bickering, it's nice to be reminded why Snooki and JWoww make such a winning team to begin with. Last night's episode opened on Snooki's nightmare slog through their vacation in Cancun, an endless barrage of sun and room service and colorful sarongs that only served to remind Snooki of her utter loneliness. "She just doesn't get it at all," Snooki wept to her father on the phone as JWoww readied herself to go out. "Tonight she told me to be considerate." I would be remiss if I didn't marvel yet again at how totally normal Snooki's dad seems to be. "It's just a part of life," her pop sighs. To which Snooki replies with a sob, "You don't understand at all. I'm engaged and pregnant." Yeah, Dad, you have no idea what it's like to be getting married and expecting ababy, YOU BUTTFACE. 

Meanwhile JWoww, Ryder and Yanice hit the club where Ryder grinds her phantom wiener into a stranger's butt and the trio luxuriates in the freedom permitted them by their empty wombs and ringless fingers. Back at their five-star hotel, Snook mourns the loss of her youth as tears of . . . you know what, JUST DEAL WITH IT ALREADY. COME ON. I'm sure when I'm isolated from my friends and family during my reality show pregnancy, I'll look back with regret at the disdain I feel in this recap. But for God’s sake, woman, build yourself a boat out of leopard print duct tape, put one of the Gay Joeys in a captain’s cap and get over it.

As weave-tearingly annoying as Snooki was during their vacay, she immediately transitions back into a real friend when JWoww gets into yet another fight with Roger over . . . God, nothing? It's always nothing. It seems pretty clear that JWoww keeps pushing Roger to reject her. When he does, it just confirms her underlying sense of self-loathing. Rinse and repeat. JWoww's phone call to Roger in the hotel is a prime example. Having decided to come home early, she is somehow shocked and betrayed that Roger won't cancel his plans with Jionni to hang out. "In my eyes, Roger is blowing me off right now," she explains to us, people with independent eyes, eyes that cannot see the world as her red-rimmed peepers see it. "I'm not a victim. You are a piece of shit," JWoww howls as Ryder awkwardly folds her underwear into suitcase.

It's at these moments of highest delusion that friends like Snooki are the most vital, at least until they go crazy too. Once back in the States, both Snooki and JWoww are peeved to discover that their boyfriends are visiting Hemingway's, an establishment they discuss  as though it were a known whore-den, a sex pit where brazen harlots lie in wait to suck the spray tan off the dangly bits of decent men. JWoww calls Roger to make amends. LOL, I'm kidding, but she does call him. "What do you mean, 'yo'?" JWoww demands the millisecond Roger opens his mouth to speak. "I'm not calling to apologize, but I need to explain myself as a human being," she warns him. Roger subsequently labels her "the most insecure person in the world," and leverages his intimate knowledge of her flaws and failed relationships to hurt her as deeply as possible. What else would two people in love do? Have sex ever? "You should still be with Tom," he sneers. As you might recall, Tom is JWoww's ex. He left her dogs to die in their apartment when they broke up, necessitating a Snooki/ JWoww rescue mission. "I don't like you, because I genuinely miss you and now I don't anymore," JWoww sobs.

Snooki does her best to console her with wise words and access to her newly hard belly. "Go for the . . . well, not the vagina. Above that," she explains, prodding her abdomen. At 14 weeks Snooki's fetus is apparently grimacing and peeing and responding to light. "What light? My vagina hole?" she gasps. "I'm sorry if you feel Daddy's penis inside me every time we have sex," Snooki tells her unborn. I'm not going to pretend I didn't find that sort of touching.

To take JWoww's mind off her dysfunctional relationship, Snooki accompanies her to a pasta-making class. "It looks exactly like an uncircumcised penis," JWoww muses while handling a roll of dough. She then wordlessly pivots and smacks Snooki across the face with it, leaving a flour stamp over her eye and busting up her fake eyelashes. Snooki yelps with indignation. "Nicole all of a sudden has a problem with having a penis on her face," JWoww grumbles. And just like that, their adult problems melt away into one beautiful moment of pure friendship and wiener talk.

Then they go home and immediately accuse Jionni and Roger of cheating on them. Exhibit A: both men can be seen "touching skin" with a strange woman at the aforementioned cathouse/local bar Hemingway's. I don't mean "ace to vagina" or "wiener to mouth" contact. No, I'm referring to a woman touching Jionni's bare arm in a public place. Case closed, your honor! Snooki calls her fiancé and tries to suss out any information about his betrayal, but somehow he manages to keep from blurting out, "I had sex with all the ladies!" Snooki questions his commitment to their engagement, Jionni questions whether Snooki is ready to be a mom, Snooki weeps as she slams down the phone and everyone feels terrible all around. The only upside to all this feuding is the sneak peek we got at JWoww's notebook, in which the only visible words read, "I'll kill someone." Of course it says that. The woman wears her heart on her sleeve.

Last week: Spring Breakdown in Cancun

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'Snooki & JWoww' Recap: Spring Breakdown in Cancun

What if Snooki and JWoww frolicked with dolphins in every episode? Maybe they could solve crimes too?

Actually, what Snooki & JWoww really needs is a dose of pregnancy talk in every episode: a discussion of surging hormones, an admission of hopes and fears, details about the grapefruit-sized fetus. (At some point in the pregnancy, that baby must be the sizeof a grapefruit, right?). Without some conscious, constant acknowledgement of the underlying premise of the show, Snooki just comes across as an insufferable human being who insists on wearing a caftan on the beach. With a little pregnancy talk mixed in, at least there’s some context for why she acts like Cancun is Gitmo for pregnant women.

Speaking of, the ladies are headed to Cancun! Woooooohooooooo! Joined by buddies Ryder and Yanice, Snooki and JWoww are blown away by their sick beachfront suite, the massive patio looking out over the sun-soaked beauty of Mexico. Even as a non-pregnant person, I'd love to visit Cancun. Falling asleep under an umbrella on the beach, wading into the water up to my knees before going to back to sleep, eating every buffet within a five-resort radius: it sounds like paradise. Not for Snooki, though. As soon as they land, the trip is a complete bust. She sulks because she's "fat," she sulks because she can't drink, she sulks because she's four months pregnant and engaged and in Cancun. Snooki's sadness undoubtedly stems from the frustrating realization that the carefree, UTI-ignoring days of her youth are now behind her, replaced with the need for structure and responsibility, but boy, is she being a really pill about it.

On the plus side, we do get to hear a lot about JWoww's hooha, which is fun. "I'm trying to shave my vagina and I can't," she screams when the light in the hotel bathroom automatically shuts off. Call me ignorant, but it seems like one of the perks of fame is being able to get the finest bikini waxes from the most skilled beauty technicians in all the land: professional elderly women who have perfected certain details of their craft like wax temperature and the blend of post-wax oils and liniments to distract you from the searing pain that has just been inflicted on your genitals. A millionaire still shaving her vagina in the shower needs to get her priorities straight. "Have you ever nicked it?" Snooki asks. My God. Why even have money, I ask, if you are still in danger of nicking it?

The ladies eventually meander down to the beach, where JWoww's business is once again subjected to tortures. "I have sand in my vagina!" she declares. Snooki pouts until they all pay a visit to the crocodile zoo. "My expectations of the zoo are so fucking high," she enthuses as they wander cautiously around the enclosures, the trees echoing with enthusiastic hoots. Also, there are monkeys. "Oh no bitch, you do not pull my extensions," Snooki warns a little spidery-limbed fellow who keeps leaning out of the tree for snacks. At least she's content for a little while, sitting amid a skittering herd of tiny deer. No animals tried to eat her Chewbacca boots. "It looks like a vagina," she gasps while looking inside a tiny crocodile's mouth. Unfortunately, nothing gold can stay. And by gold, I mean a crocodile's mouth that looks like a vagina. 

At night the gang travels to Madala, a club that closely resembles the party scene in Matrix 3, but with more tequila farts and choke-slamming. JWoww gets elbowed in the face as a fight breaks out, and it dawns on Snooki that maybe a grotty nightclub is the last place you want to bring a tiny pre-human abdomen nugget. "God forbid I get hit in the stomach and have a miscarriage!" she gasps while JWoww clutches her wounded eye. 

Luckily, the next morning is Dolphin Day! "My dogs can't even piss on a wee-wee and a dolphin can dance in the water," JWoww marvels. The ladies frolic with trained dolphins that could almost certainly hit you in the stomach and cause a miscarriage. Lord, now I'm just constantly going to be afraid of Snooki getting hit in the stomach, aren't I? Maybe she can be lowered into some kind of a protective bubble for the remainder of her pregnancy? Just floating that out there. Anyway, the second the girls return to dry land, Snooki resumes simmering with rage. "Sometimes when you're pregnant you get in these moods where you don't like anyone, " she tries to explain. Sometimes you get in these moods where you just want to eat salads in an icy, penetrating silence that will destroy any and all attempts at conversation.

"At this point I don't want anything to do with the girls," she glowers. Of course, staying alone in the hotel while her friends go to the club is unacceptable too. "Since when did you get fun?" Snooki snarls at a boozy JWoww. "Of course, when I'm pregnant, that's when you're fun."

It's all completely unacceptable. "I don't think I want to live with Jenni anymore," Snooki sobs on the phone with her father. A reasonable conclusion, Snooks, but it's not due to any fault of Jenni's. What if we got you a pod of dolphins to frolic with at home? Would that make things a little better? A pod of dolphins that also prepares a sumptuous lunch buffet at your behest?

Last week: Roger Dodger

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'Snooki & JWoww' Recap: The Barbie Guidette Dream House Effect

Snooki and JWoww welcome some of their 'Jersey Shore' roommates into their new apartment.

Snooki and JWoww have so much fabric! Just drowning in fabric! Swimming in yards of leopard print and zebra and glittery pink and black! "You can't make a vase out of fabric," JWoww sniffs one morning. Seeing as how Snooki and her fetus sleep until roughly 4 p.m. every day (as the pregnant and unborn are wont to do), JWoww rolls out of the apartment to buy more furniture.

Just to be clear: they have furniture; they are just acquiring . . . more of it. She selects a bar set, a leopard-print ottoman and a gigantic leopard-print pump that is also a chair, thus explaining who else buys those things other than high school yearbook photographers. JWoww also picks up between 10 and 20 rolls of leopard and zebra duct tape, with which the girls will go on to commit unspeakable acts. Why such a rush to make such questionable decorating decisions? (I'm joking, of course. There is no rush. We are four weeks in and every episode has been in some way about decorating the apartment.) As it turns out, the roommates are coming over! Hurray! Oh, except the Situation. Never the Situation. "You couldn't pay me enough to fucking do that," Snooki declares. You mean again? Okaaaaaaaaaay! But seriously, what in God's name are they planning to do with all that fabric? It's like they own three-quarters of a yurt.

Time to call a handyman! "He sounds like a sexy black man," JWoww squeals after hanging up with him. Sadly, he is instead a normal white guy named Anthony, who makes quick work of hanging yards and yards of fabric around the room in a bunting-type situation, as well as hanging fabric over the walls. Like you do. While he works, Snooki elicits from him "a sex story that went wrong," and things take a dire turn. Anthony tells his tale, which begins with him, a lady and his friend, a friend who he makes sure to point out is a big guy like Anthony. That's all we get to hear before the bleeping obscures his tale. At this point I started to panic, because so much of the story was bleeped out I was convinced we would never know what happened! "I want you to do something for me, " the woman ominously told Anthony, followed by 20 seconds of bleeping. Luckily, while the girls' faces contort in hilarious disgust to details unknown, Anthony reaches the climax of the story, and declares, "I said, let me go in the other room. This way I won't have to smell it." Okay, that's really all I needed to know. I can fill in the blanks. "I just feel like he wants to take us away to his dungeon," Snooki shudders when he leaves. His poop dungeon? It had to have been a poop story, right? And to think he put his grubby paws all over the fabric!

Once Anthony leaves, Snooki and JWoww cover the entire apartment in leopard and zebra print duct tape. The doors. The windows. The garbage can now has a duct tape 'G' on it for Garbage, so you don't get confused and try to make soup in it. In their defense, the tape goes a long way toward creating the desired "Barbie Guidette dream house" effect, in as much as everything looks like it's plastic and about to peel off the wall. If only it also made everyone's genitals turn into smooth, hard plastic nubs.

The ladies also have an epic idea for what we in the interior design biz call "a focal point": a giant mural of themselves to be painted by artist Nick on the wall of their living room. "I found Nick's number at a department store," JWoww explains. As always, it's the little details that get me. For example, what does that even mean? Then, of course, all the fabric falls down off the walls. Anthony! Maybe stop telling poop stories for once and do a little work! The ladies rush to put them back up, so their roommates don't have to deal with having their mouths and noses closed off with fabric while they're visiting. A real hosting faux pas, I'd say.

Finally, cabs are here! Cabs are what I call friends! Pauly D is the first to arrive and rip on their apartment décor. "The style of this house is Art Deco. Just kidding!" he laughs. Aw, I missed him. He jokingly tests to see if Snooki can fit inside their garish new ottoman (she can), which is great because they always say it's a good idea to have a piece of furniture that doubles as a casket. "Just take the ottoman! You don't even need a coffin!" JWoww enthuses. "I know, but then bugs will get in and eat me," Snooki muses. The other roommates stream in, except Mike, of course, who couldn't make it because he was busy not being invited. Oh, and he might have been in rehab too. Either way, it's really nice to see everyone. "It's creepy but cute," Ronnie says of the apartment. Pauly D and Vinny friend-flirt hardcore, scampering away to friend-smoosh on Snooki's bed.

Sitting down to a delicious meal of green beans and garbage can soup (just kidding! They saw the G in time), Snooki finally drops one of her two bombs on the Jersey Shore mates: she's engaged to Jionni. Their reactions to the news could only be described as devastating. "You think two years is long enough time?" Vinny wonders, later explaining that Jionni was initially Snooki's one-night stand and therefore unworthy of love or commitment. They point out how difficult it will be for Snooki to have only one penis for the rest of her life. "I love his penis," she explains.

"Did she buy it?" Pauly D cracks when Snooki shows off her ring. Yikes. I guess they're all so used to Snooki being a drunken trainwreck joke they don't remember she's a human being with feelings. Or they're all just terrible people. Both totally plausible explanations.

Ball-busting aside, they could at least have the decency to talk about her behind her back like normal people. Concludes Vinny, "You guys are going to be divorced soon anyway." Ugh. It's enough to make Snooki not want to tell them she's pregnant. Too bad she already had the announcement printed on a cake in icing! Well then, it's enough to make me want to crawl inside that leopard ottoman coffin and have them seal me up with zebra duct tape. Luckily next week's promo has Roger saying, "I've had chlamydia four times," so I have a reason to go on for a little while longer.

Last week: Behold the Child of Snooki

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