'Girls' Recap: My Life on My Back

Lena Dunham and Adam Driver as Hannah and Adam on 'Girls'.

Even if their relationship has been fucked from day one, it seemed inevitable that Adam and Hannah would find their way back to one another by the end of the second season. Hannah had an ebook deal. Adam found a new, seemingly stable lady friend in Natalia. Things were going too well for them not to implode their new lives and crawl back to one another to try once again to make it work. 

Speaking of crawling, GET OUT OF THERE, NATALIA! In case we didn't get how sad life is, "On All Fours" opens with Adam and his new lady making sober, silly, extremely communicative love for the first time. "I'm ready to have sex now," she informs him, before unfurling a list of sexual details. "I like how clear you are with me," Adam smiles as they get busy. “What other way is there?" she replies. Oh girl, CRAWL HOME NOW BEFORE YOU FIND OUT.

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Meanwhile, John Cameron Mitchell is destroying Hannah's will to live. "Did your hymen grow back?" he chides her, gesticulating at the ebook pages he admittedly didn't read. "Where's the pudgy face slicked with semen and sadness?" What a line! What a line read! Hannah, still riddled with wedgie-picking, cheek-grabbing, ear-probing compulsions, is frantic to please. "I wrote about 200 other pages that I didn't think were good," she offers. "I had sex with a teenager?" Hannah's anxiety is so high, she finds solace the only way she knows how: jamming a Q-tip so far down her ear, she has to call her parents. "I heard air hiss out the hole," she sobs on the floor. "Nothing smaller than an elbow, ever," her mother admonishes. Has anyone so totally demolished their parents' confidence in their ability to deal with everyday life in so short a time? There must be a record.

After her mailroom hook-up, there's trouble in paradise for Ray and Shoshanna, too, which Shoshanna has chosen to cover up by catering to Ray as one might an unemployed 33-year-old Snuggie-wearing baby. "What's with all the geisha shit?" he inquires as she helps and tends. Shosh's grimace as she slaps a hand over her face in shame seem to foretell a more significant emotional repercussion to her actions, but looks like we'll have to wait until next week to find out. "I held a doorman's hand," she finally blurts to Ray. Is that what we're calling it now? Ray laughs it off with all the good humor of a homeless man desperately clinging to the one good thing left in his life. "Do you still want to be with me?" he asks, going in for a hug. "Oh good," Shosh whimpers sadly. The cycle of their relationship continues to grind forward. The nadir has not yet been reached.

I'm hoping we get to their lowest point next week, since it sure seems that's where we're headed with Marnie. I don't know if there is even any point to explaining how she is still committed to LAYING DOWN A TRACK and finagled her way into Charlie's work party to give him A SPECIAL SURPRISE when all you need to know is that is she sings Kanye's "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" in front of a group of other human beings. “Don't," Charlie gasps during her performance. I wanted to cram a million Q-tips in my ear until my brain stem stopped functioning, which I believe is kind of the point. I was worried they were going to make Marnie's singing career a serious plot point, and am pleased to see that they have, but in the same vein as Hannah's soul-annihilating ebook. “You have got to get your shit together," Charlie chides her in private afterward. "I'm on a journey. It's my journey, and I'm okay," Marnie retorts. Then they have sex on Charlie's desk. If a man could still love you after watching that . . . I don't know, makes you think. 

Meanwhile, at Natalia's friend's engagement party, Adam is about to ruin everything. "She's like Mother Theresa, except Mother Theresa didn't blow my cousin," her friend (Amy Schumer) jokes, before pointing out: "He has the face of an old-timey criminal. He looks like Peter Pan." Natalia is too nice, their connection too effortless, so of course Adam must run into Hannah on the street outside the bar on the way home from her Q-tip extraction. "I guess we're not huggers," she laughs convivially. "You should put some pants on," Adam informs her, before scampering back inside to throw his sobriety down the toilet with some Jack and gingers. Considering her mom met Adam in AA, it seems pretty unbelievable that Natalia would say nothing as her new boyfriend got trashed, though I guess that could speak to some larger issues on her part. I just doubt we are going to get into it with one ep left.  

Back at his creepy, depressing, half-boat apartment, Adam tells Natalia to get down on all fours. This whole sex scene was some existential realness as far as I'm concerned, an honest depiction of the moment when someone you're sleeping with decides to act out a sexual scenario that has absolutely nothing to do with you. Despite the fact that you're the one crawling down the hallway littered with pieces of plywood and sweat-soaked towels, your partner is miles away mentally, desperate to prove something to himself or to another party not in attendance. "Not on my dress," Natalia says, cringing as Adam comes on her chest. "I really didn't like that," she informs him blankly. After apologizing for a hot second, Adam switches immediately into defensive mode. "Is this is it? Are you done with me?" he demands. Good God, if you're lucky, son! If she's not done, you know exactly how this relationship is going to go. You had one just like it about a month ago, after all. 

Meanwhile, across town Hannah sits on the edge of her bathtub frantically jerking her head from side to side. She jams another Q-tip into her ear and cringes in pain. Maybe I'm just in a nihilistic mood, but what a great ending! It goes without saying that Adam and Hannah have to get back together next week, right? I guess the question is: is the solace these weirdos find in each other worth all the other bullshit? What if that's the only kind of solace they know how to find? 

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Alabama Shakes Lay Down 'Boys and Girls' in Rare Studio Footage

Alabama Shakes Lay Down 'Boys and Girls' in Rare Studio FootageBand records their hit debut in previously unseen clip $(document).ready(function() { $('.socialActionsTop .pageActions .email-content').hover( function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.email').show(); }, function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.email').hide(); } ); $('.socialActionsTop .pageActions .print-page').hover( function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.print').show(); }, function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.print').hide(); } ); }); OO.ready(function() { OO.Player.create('ooyalaplayer', 'BmdHB5OTp50G5hf6k1ehkGb6FV0BE-dV', {'autoplay': true }); });By

It's been over a year since the down-home, dirty roots-rockers Alabama Shakes recorded their debut LP Boys and Girls, and plenty's changed since then. The group scored a handful of Grammy nods, they played Saturday Night Live and their track "Hold On" topped Rolling Stone's countdown of 2012's best songs. Now you can take a look back in time with this exclusive, never-before-seen footage of the band recording the album in November and December of 2011 at the Bomb Shelter in Nashville, Tennessee. The intimate clip finds the band scrawling down lyrics and working through their soon-to-be-breakthough cuts "Boys and Girls" and "I Ain't the Same."

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Alabama Shakes Lay Down 'Boys and Girls' in Rare Studio Footage

Alabama Shakes Lay Down 'Boys and Girls' in Rare Studio FootageBand records their hit debut in previously unseen clip $(document).ready(function() { $('.socialActionsTop .pageActions .email-content').hover( function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.email').show(); }, function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.email').hide(); } ); $('.socialActionsTop .pageActions .print-page').hover( function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.print').show(); }, function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.print').hide(); } ); }); OO.ready(function() { OO.Player.create('ooyalaplayer', 'BmdHB5OTp50G5hf6k1ehkGb6FV0BE-dV', {'autoplay': true }); });By

It's been over a year since the down-home, dirty roots-rockers Alabama Shakes recorded their debut LP Boys and Girls, and plenty's changed since then. The group scored a handful of Grammy nods, they played Saturday Night Live and their track "Hold On" topped Rolling Stone's countdown of 2012's best songs. Now you can take a look back in time with this exclusive, never-before-seen footage of the band recording the album in November and December of 2011 at the Bomb Shelter in Nashville, Tennessee. The intimate clip finds the band scrawling down lyrics and working through their soon-to-be-breakthough cuts "Boys and Girls" and "I Ain't the Same."

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Alabama Shakes Lay Down 'Boys and Girls' in Rare Studio Footage

Alabama Shakes Lay Down 'Boys and Girls' in Rare Studio FootageBand records their hit debut in previously unseen clip $(document).ready(function() { $('.socialActionsTop .pageActions .email-content').hover( function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.email').show(); }, function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.email').hide(); } ); $('.socialActionsTop .pageActions .print-page').hover( function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.print').show(); }, function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.print').hide(); } ); }); OO.ready(function() { OO.Player.create('ooyalaplayer', 'BmdHB5OTp50G5hf6k1ehkGb6FV0BE-dV', {'autoplay': true }); });By

It's been over a year since the down-home, dirty roots-rockers Alabama Shakes recorded their debut LP Boys and Girls, and plenty's changed since then. The group scored a handful of Grammy nods, they played Saturday Night Live and their track "Hold On" topped Rolling Stone's countdown of 2012's best songs. Now you can take a look back in time with this exclusive, never-before-seen footage of the band recording the album in November and December of 2011 at the Bomb Shelter in Nashville, Tennessee. The intimate clip finds the band scrawling down lyrics and working through their soon-to-be-breakthough cuts "Boys and Girls" and "I Ain't the Same."

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Alabama Shakes Lay Down 'Boys and Girls' in Rare Studio Footage

Alabama Shakes Lay Down 'Boys and Girls' in Rare Studio FootageBand records their hit debut in previously unseen clip $(document).ready(function() { $('.socialActionsTop .pageActions .email-content').hover( function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.email').show(); }, function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.email').hide(); } ); $('.socialActionsTop .pageActions .print-page').hover( function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.print').show(); }, function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.print').hide(); } ); }); OO.ready(function() { OO.Player.create('ooyalaplayer', 'BmdHB5OTp50G5hf6k1ehkGb6FV0BE-dV', {'autoplay': true }); });By

It's been over a year since the down-home, dirty roots-rockers Alabama Shakes recorded their debut LP Boys and Girls, and plenty's changed since then. The group scored a handful of Grammy nods, they played Saturday Night Live and their track "Hold On" topped Rolling Stone's countdown of 2012's best songs. Now you can take a look back in time with this exclusive, never-before-seen footage of the band recording the album in November and December of 2011 at the Bomb Shelter in Nashville, Tennessee. The intimate clip finds the band scrawling down lyrics and working through their soon-to-be-breakthough cuts "Boys and Girls" and "I Ain't the Same."

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'Girls' Recap: We Have So Many Memories

Lena Dunham and Andrew Rannells in 'Girls.'

I know the subject is still totes verboten, but what if Lena Dunham's depiction of her body is basically the point of her creative endeavor? Or at least the most important part of her creative endeavor as it relates to the constant discussion we’re all having about television right now? Does that sound like an overstatement? If that sentence made your butthole clamp shut with fury, you’re probably going to want to stop reading my recap, because I have a lot of THOUGHTS and FEELINGS on the subject.

Before I get into the marathon nipple-thon Dunham ran this evening, however, can we talk about her delightful critique of women-targeted websites and the personal revelations a freelancer must write about in order to make a measly buck in this dirty town? Hannah stops by for an interview at JazzHate (Right? That's what it said on the wall), an XOJane knock-off edited by an intense blond named Jame. "You don't look seem that fancy," she smirks before offering Hannah $200 an article. Guys, that's fancy money as far as I'm concerned. The catch is that Hannah is basically required to peel back the layers of her individual privacy and expose her vulnerable inner nugget to the world, preferably in a story containing group sex or drug use that people will actually click on. The whole concept makes me think of XOJane's Cat Marnell, but the idea of researching that whole saga enough to make a compelling argument about a possible connection makes my bones weary, so I'm just not going to do it. I ain't making Hannah-style money for these recaps, if you get what I’m saying.

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And so Hannah decides to do coke for the first time to have something to write about. "The reason I've never done it before is because I have weird nasal passages," she explains. Excited to finally write a story that "exposes all of my vulnerabilities to the internet" like so many young writers before her, Hannah introduces herself to her building's resident junkie, Laird. We soon learn Laird is in recovery and conflicted about playing a part in another person's drug use. Luckily he's also a creepy stalker with a crush on Hannah, so he gets her some cocaine anyway. "Um, how much can you guys hear me upstairs? 'Cause I can hear you," Laird says and smiles creepily. His investment in Marnie’s departure from their apartment was such a great, disturbing detail. "You have different magazine subscriptions and different schedules," he says with a sympathetic nod. Yikes.

Speaking of Marnie . . . let's talk about Alison Williams for a second, shall we? Maybe I'm late to the party on this one, but it's slowly dawning on me that either the show is craftily underwriting Marnie in preparation for her total meltdown, or Alison Williams . . . how should I put this? . . . is more of a novice to the craft of acting than everyone else on the program. Right? She's kind of stiff and blank a lot of the time? Shoshanna and Jessa appeared in tonight’s episode for roughly 45 seconds, meaning we had a whole lot of Marnie on our hands.

While working her hostess job, she runs into Booth, that artist who last season told her he was a man and knew how to "do things" before running away from her on the Highline. Haha, looks like we're about to learn what those "things" are! Turns out, they are having sex while lying completely flat on top of Marnie while demanding she look at and narrate the inner emotional life of an antique doll. "How is she feeling?" Booth pants. "She's feeling . . . sassy?" Marnie ventures. So, just as I had guessed, the only thing that separates the men from the boys is a sexual fixation on an off-putting porcelain homunculi.

The visual of that scene was excellent, as were the numerous details offering us insight into Booth's inner workings. ("What's the blood made out of?" Marnie ponders as she examines his dollhouse sculptures. "Oh, it's blood," he replies.) Marnie's inner workings, on the other hand, continue to be a mystery to me. Their sex scene is paralleled by Marnie's journey into the video tower, where her motionless face hides what turns out to be total awe at the experience. "What the fuck, man?" she gasps after being forced to watch babies and maggots on a howling loop. "You're so fucking talented."  There is literally no way we could have known that without her explaining out loud how she felt. Marnie’s face is almost always set to "Annoyed" or "Unreadable." Now, I certainly don't mind one of the show’s characters being more opaque than Hannah. I just don't know if that's the show’s intent, or what purpose it serves. Obviously Marnie's got some stuff going on if she's letting strange artists lock her in an installation and blow loads inside her (Right? Since he asked if she's on the pill right before he came?), and I just wish we had a better idea of what that stuff was.

But back to Hannah's coke adventure, which due to human decency starts at some point after 4:00 p.m. "I'm going to get married wearing a veil," Hannah yammers excitedly before scrawling her life goals on the wall in marker. "I want to learn to write a check properly." As the night descends, she and Elijah head to a club to dance to the DJ stylings of Andrew Andrew, a pair of Genesis P-Orridge-style fun guys, and to confirm their own genius. "My greatest dream is to have sex with myself," Hannah shouts. "It is also my worst nightmare." I personally felt that all the coke scenes were an excellent depiction of the combination of youth and substances that convinces you that everything you say is a string of golden words sent directly from the mind of God, when in fact you are merely sweating and babbling over a toilet seat. "Are you kidding? Are you a mind reader?" Hannah gasps when a fellow dancer gives her his mesh shirt to wear. Hannah's boobs are out the rest of the episode, which brings me back to my larger point about the centrality of Lena Dunham's body, and how much she wants us to see to it in all its sweaty, frantic, average beauty. Beyond just showing off her nakedness as she dances maniacally, hair matted, unfettered titties flopping free, Hannah's slow-motion coke rock to "I Love It" seemed like a big fuck you to the haters sputtering and flushing over her success. Or at least I enjoyed it as such.

It goes without saying that their drugged-out evening ends with Elijah blurting out that he had sex with Marnie. "Did you fuck her like in a sexual way?" Hannah screams before dousing her head in the club's bathroom sink. "Like Rizzo says in Grease, there are worse things I could do," he scoffs. Jeez, this guy. Despite the unfairness of her expectations ("Elijah, I was meant to be your last!" she cries), Elijah is just a real tool about the whole thing. "When did you eat jerky?" he asks, cringing after Hannah surprises him with a kiss. "That is not any concern of yours," she spits. What kind of person would then let Hannah drag him (and Laird, who has apparently been stalking them this entire time) to Booth's apartment to chew out Marnie? "You're the bad friend," Hannah snarls at her stunned best friend, before demanding that her other best friend move out. Having successfully alienated those closest to her, a seething Hannah propositions Laird in the hallway of her apartment building. Lord, can someone get Donald Glover back up in here? If Hannah's types are destined to be "black Republicans" and "total psychos," I would like more of the former so we can take a break from the latter. "It's just for tonight though, for work," Hannah tells a trembling Laird, in case you thought for a second we’re supposed to sympathize with her at all after watching her vitriolic, braless emotional rampage. Can’t say I blame her! Gotta get that rent money, girl. Haters will always hate.

Last Week: I'm 100% Not Getting Weird

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'American Idol' Recap: Cheerleaders, Debs and Country Girls

Jessica Sanchez performs in front of the Judges on 'American Idol.'

Welcome back to American Idol! Last night the men delivered a round of mostly lackluster performances, but as you know, girls just want to have fun (and sing Adele, probably), so I had high hopes for tonight. Ryan Seacrest kicks things off doing a little cheer because Scotty McCreery is contractually obligated to return to the show in a few weeks. He then introduces the judges: Jennifer Lopez! Randy Jackson! The "controversial" Steven Tyler, who seems mostly asleep until someone mentions a girl in a short skirt. He's like a pervy dormouse. 

To show America that she is a country girl, Chelsea Sorrell shoots a gun, rides an ATV, and bemoans the fact that it takes 40 minutes to get to a mall. Then to prove that she is the next Carrie Underwood, she sings a Carrie Underwood song, specifically, "Cowboy Casanova." The judges think it's a risky choice, because as much as she wants to be Carrie Underwood, she is no Carrie Underwood.

The judges all sing along as Erika Van Pelt belts out Heart's "What About Love." She does a solid job, but it's also the first time she's really sounded like the wedding DJ that she is. I mean, she's good, but it reminds you that she's one mediocre rendition of "Brick House" away from playing your cousin Sally's bat mitzvah. The judges chide her for not giving it her all, but they swear they loved her performance.

Jen Hirsh drops the very important information that her family owns a vineyard, which clearly means free wine if you vote for her, right? BRB – off to text my vote to AT&T. Jen delivers the night's first Adele cover. She sings "One and Only" as all wannabe torch singers are required to do in this day and age. The judges like it, but once again they aren't sure she gave it everything she has, and they warn her not to play it safe.

'American Idol' Season 11 in Photos

Brielle Von Hugel swears up and down she is a typical teenage cheerleader from Staten Island who just happens to be on American Idol. There is no way this girl is bearable, right? I mean, she is the Mean Girl. She does a bluesy rendition of Otis Redding's "Dock of the Bay," which seems dated for this modern American teen. Randy Jackson has no idea that Brielle had all that swagger, and he makes a Janis Joplin reference that Brielle's mom will have to explain to her. Speaking of swagger, Brielle rushes to the interview camera and references herself in the third person three times in one minute. New record?

Hallie Day has an amazing voice and the saddest aura about her. She manages a stirring version of "It's a New Dawn, It's a New Day," but singing a song that that Jennifer Hudson sings in a Weight Watchers commercial is risky. Sure enough, Randy pinky-swears he liked the song but then torpedoes her by asking, "What kind of artist do you want to be?" He rambles on about how he is not sure how to pigeonhole her. Then he references Lana Del Rey, and you know poor Hallie is doomed. 

Eighteen-year old Skylar Laine is wearing a cheering uniform, or maybe an ice skating outfit, when she sings "Stay with Me." Her attire is unfortunately distracting me, because she can sing her small-town country blues away. Randy, who seems to be doing all the talking tonight, thinks she sounds like a mashup between Reba McEntire and Kelly Clarkson, which is a good thing.

Among the ladies, this competition is shaping up to be a country croon-off. Next to vie for the crown is Baylie Brown, who sings like a Weeble Wobble. The judges note the uneven performance and Baylie blames her nerves, pats her nearly bare chest, and hopes America still loves her (boobs). J.Lo helpfully recommends Baylie wear a looser dress next time. Song choice idea: "Be Still My Beating Heart" by Sting. You're welcome, Baylie.

Hollie Cavanagh's performance of Christina Aguilera's "Reflection" is remarkable, especially because I have no memory of having seen her before now. The judges love her, but they feel she was a bit controlled. Jennifer wants America to see what you "really do do when you do let your hair down." Randy's inner ten-year old couldn't let that one go and he Beavis-laughs, "Heh heh, doo-doo. " Backstage, Hollie takes her hair out of a bun.

Oregon girl Haley Johnsen's rendition of the Eurythmics' "Sweet Dreams" is powerful, but strange. It's in the wrong key? It's pitchy? She opted to sing a few verses without words? As the lights go up, the judges have really confused looks on their faces. J.Lo hopes America recognized her potential, which I'm sure they didn't. Randy calls her version a bit of a nightmare instead of a dream. It was pitchy, all over the place and not at all spot-on. He may not be succinct, but he gets his point across.

Sixteen-year old Shannon Magrane's dad is in the same room as Steven Tyler for the first time since the aging pervert hit on her and he . . . couldn't care less. He's just here to support his little six-foot tall girl as she sings a song I've never heard in a debutante-ball dress. It's an extremely mature performance, if in this case that means getting louder and louder and raising your arms over your head. The judges love it, and Jennifer gets her "goosies." 

Jessica Sanchez is far from boring.  The only woman of color in the competition is a petite powerhouse despite having swollen vocal cords. Her performance of "Love You I Do" earns the night's first standing ovation from the judges.

The final performer tonight is Elise Testone, who is a little pitchy when she's away from her security piano. But her performance is overwhelming and soulful and the judges love it.

So how come the boys get an extra performer, but the girls have to stick with 12? Come back tomorrow to see this group of excellent performers slashed in half like an Eli Roth horror flick. Fun! 

Last episode: Boys Who Love Girls

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'American Idol' Recap: Boys Who Love Girls

Chase Likens performs in front of the Judges on 'American Idol.'

OK, America, you have to start caring about the 11th season of American Idol starting right . . . now! Tonight the Top 24 performs, only to be culled down to a Top 12 on Thursday, perhaps by crocodiles. Tonight is also the first night that the judges' opinions are secondary to whatever standards by which America is judging its popularity contest. Tabloid gossip? Hair height? Adorkableness?

It's weird to sing Maroon 5's "Moves Like Jagger" on Idol, right? What with Adam Levine being a judge – and premiering the song last season – on The Voice, a.k.a. The Upstart, Wildly Popular Competition?  This doesn't stop Contestant Number One, Reed Grimm, from delivering a jazzed-up version live on Idol. The judges claim to like it, but is America ready to watch Reed do this exact same performance week after week? 

Adam Brock gets in touch with the inner black woman he claims to have living in his body, dialing up a solid performance of Aretha Franklin's "Think." He is very natural in front of the audience, but the performance is a bit run-of-the-mill for Idol. Randy Jackson compliments him for his "blue-eyed soul" and "white chocolate" feel while also patting him on the back for his retro vibe, which I think is a euphemism for Oldest Contestant Alive.

Deandre Brackensick will, if nothing else, win the award for most spell-checked name. He delivers a hair-whipping performance of an Earth, Wind, and Fire song not heard since the halcyon days of the Hotel California, sure to lull the voting youngsters into comas. And you can't vote in a coma. J.Lo can't control her excitement at seeing repeat competitor Deandre finally make it to the Top 24, a.k.a. the real Idol. Randy Jackson claims he has the most commercial voice he's heard, which, unless you're an emo indie rocker dude, is a good thing, I guess, but it sounds crass.

'American Idol' Season 11 in Photos

Before performing, Colton Dixon gives us a How-To video about fixing his hair, in case you too want to look like a car-flattened punk skunk. He promises to shock people by not performing behind a piano, instead climbing on top of it and singing a Paramore song from the Twilight soundtrack. Randy thinks it's time that Idol had an alt rocker. J.Lo calls him a "relevant artist," which sounds backhanded. Regardless, the ladies will love Colton.

Choosing to sing a "girl song" is the only thing that Ryan Seacrest could find to talk to Jeremy Rosado about. Unfortunately, his choice of Sara Bareilles' "Gravity" doesn't inspire much conversation, so they just move on to the performance. J.Lo says that the moment he opens his mouth she is drawn in – like he's a big sucking charybdis? They love him and they really want America to love him, too. This American feels very bored by him.

The Hunger Games trailer has aired three times so far and I'm starting to wish the Idol contestants were shooting arrows at each other. Instead, we get Aaron Marcellus singing the Jackson 5's "Never Can Say Goodbye" and earning a standing ovation from the judges. No good performance goes unpunished, so Steven Tyler warns him that he raised the bar and will have to beat himself next time, which sounds delightfully more Hunger Games.

Chase Likens proves his country cred with a crooning rendition of "Storm Warning" and what looks like a kick to some front-row dweller's face. Kicking is country, right? Steven doesn't say much about the song, but points out that he looks like Brendan Fraser and has "a real Mummy look about [him.]" Not sure if that will be enough to get him through to the next round. What if we say he really looks like Robert Pattinson?

Is there anything more obnoxious than a person who refers to himself as offbeat? And then references himself in the third person twice in a three-minute interview? Creighton Fraker is that guy. He perches on a stool to sing Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors." One of the Idol image consultants probably suggested it in order to squelch some of his more seizure-inducing dance moves. By the end of the song, Jennifer Lopez is in tears for the fourth time tonight.

An off-camera saxophone adds a mysterious element to Phillip Phillips' performance of Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight." This just confirms my thought that Phillip Phillips is somehow related to Phillip Michael Thomas. The act is solid but strange, like a more mature performer's encore at a fan club show.

It's too bad for Eben Franckewitz that copying Justin Bieber's hairstyle doesn't imbue Bieber's confidence, too. It's understandable that the 15-year-old's nerves got to him, but it's just too bad his voice decided to change in the middle of the performance. Bet the judges wished they'd let David Leathers Jr. stay in the competition instead. In the words of Randy, that performance was "not all perfect."

Heejun Han is determined to show that Asians can not only "earn high scores on the SATs, but also can sing." Unfortunately, his performance of "Angels" doesn't help the cause. The judges blame his song choice, but they still think Heejun has promise. As J.Lo puts it, "You can blow," which sounds like something Steven would, or at least should, say. Then they zoom in on Heejun's face and . . . sigh, he's wearing glasses without lenses. You're better than that, Heejun! Maybe.

As Joshua Ledet sings, the judges all engage in performance art in their seats. Steven's eyes are closed, and he's gently rocking back and forth. Randy's hands are in the air because the spirit has touched him, and J.Lo looks like a frog in a flashlight. They love it, but not as much as Ryan, who calls him Mantasia, which, fun fact, is the name of a male strip club in New York.

Awwww, Idol gave the gentle giant Jermaine Jones a second chance! They let Jermaine tower over Ryan Seacrest to keep him humble and remind him that he is replaceable. He sings "Dance With My Father" in his deep, barreling baritone. The judges give him a standing ovation, which is the least he deserves after they made him cry on national television. Randy Jackson pretends that they always wanted him to compete, despite the fact that they sent him home to his mama last week.

Will Jermaine make it through to the Top 12? Will the ladies' performances be as ho-hum as the men? Tune in tomorrow to find out.

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Spice Girls Will Reunite for Queen's Diamond Jubilee

The Spice Girls perform during The Return of Spice Girls World Tour.MJ Kim/Spice Girls LLP via Getty Images

It looks like the Spice Girls will reunite for Queen Elizabeth's upcoming Diamond Jubilee, which marks 60 years of her reign. Melanie Brown – a/k/a Mel B, or "Scary" Spice – dropped a major hint to that effect during a recent appearance on Australian television.

The Spice Girls, one of the biggest pop phenomena of the Nineties, were previously rumored to be reuniting for the 2012 London Olympics. According to one source, Brown fretted about revealing the group's plans after the TV appearance, telling crew members, "I am going to be in such strife for saying that. It's all so totally bloody top-secret still."

On camera, however, she seemed eager for the reunion. "For me to get my Scary hair on and my big platforms – any time of day," she said. "I'm a Spice Girl through and through." Watch the video of her appearance below. The Spice Girls news comes near the end of the segment.

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Spice Girls Will Reunite for Queen's Diamond Jubilee

The Spice Girls perform during The Return of Spice Girls World Tour.MJ Kim/Spice Girls LLP via Getty Images

It looks like the Spice Girls will reunite for Queen Elizabeth's upcoming Diamond Jubilee, which marks 60 years of her reign. Melanie Brown – a/k/a Mel B, or "Scary" Spice – dropped a major hint to that effect during a recent appearance on Australian television.

The Spice Girls, one of the biggest pop phenomena of the Nineties, were previously rumored to be reuniting for the 2012 London Olympics. According to one source, Brown fretted about revealing the group's plans after the TV appearance, telling crew members, "I am going to be in such strife for saying that. It's all so totally bloody top-secret still."

On camera, however, she seemed eager for the reunion. "For me to get my Scary hair on and my big platforms – any time of day," she said. "I'm a Spice Girl through and through." Watch the video of her appearance below. The Spice Girls news comes near the end of the segment.

To read the new issue of Rolling Stone online, plus the entire RS archive: Click Here

Amazon Music and MP3 Center

Read more »

Free Download: Cheap Girls' Powerpop Track 'Ruby'

Click to listen to Cheap Girls' 'Ruby'

Michigan-based rock group Cheap Girls are releasing their third full-length album Giant Orange on February 21st. Its lead single is the upbeat powerpop track "Ruby," and it was written by singer and bassist Ian Graham over the course of one night.

"I had a few songs written for the record, and it was beginning to take some shape. I'd been trying to write at least a little bit every night just to keep things moving along and I'd add a little bit to songs every night; a line here, a bridge there," Graham says. "It was slow, but I knew if I didn't try to write, I'd probably just give up on it altogether."

Random Notes

One night last winter, "Ruby" was born when Graham was burnt out by the songwriting process. "I started playing and singing, and it just kept going, and I was ecstatic at what I was getting done," he shares. "It definitely needed some excitement to push things along. It's definitely a song that hits on every cylinder of why we work as a band together."

Graham does have one minor issue with "Ruby," but it's nothing dire. "I just wish there weren't so many words," he says. "I feel like I'm going to collapse every time we play it."

Cheap Girls' album Giant Orange will be released on February 21st, but you can download "Ruby" for free here.

To read the new issue of Rolling Stone online, plus the entire RS archive: Click Here

Amazon MP3 Download Center

Read more »

Free Download: Cheap Girls' Powerpop Track 'Ruby'

Click to listen to Cheap Girls' 'Ruby'

Michigan-based rock group Cheap Girls are releasing their third full-length album Giant Orange on February 21st. Its lead single is the upbeat powerpop track "Ruby," and it was written by singer and bassist Ian Graham over the course of one night.

"I had a few songs written for the record, and it was beginning to take some shape. I'd been trying to write at least a little bit every night just to keep things moving along and I'd add a little bit to songs every night; a line here, a bridge there," Graham says. "It was slow, but I knew if I didn't try to write, I'd probably just give up on it altogether."

Random Notes

One night last winter, "Ruby" was born when Graham was burnt out by the songwriting process. "I started playing and singing, and it just kept going, and I was ecstatic at what I was getting done," he shares. "It definitely needed some excitement to push things along. It's definitely a song that hits on every cylinder of why we work as a band together."

Graham does have one minor issue with "Ruby," but it's nothing dire. "I just wish there weren't so many words," he says. "I feel like I'm going to collapse every time we play it."

Cheap Girls' album Giant Orange will be released on February 21st, but you can download "Ruby" for free here.

To read the new issue of Rolling Stone online, plus the entire RS archive: Click Here

Amazon Music and MP3 Center

Read more »