'American Idol' Recap: Curtis Finch Jr. Gets Bounced

'American Idol' Recap: Curtis Finch Jr. Gets BouncedBon Jovi, Phillip Phillips perform on first results show of the season $(document).ready(function() { $('.socialActionsTop .pageActions .email-content').hover( function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.email').show(); }, function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.email').hide(); } ); $('.socialActionsTop .pageActions .print-page').hover( function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.print').show(); }, function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.print').hide(); } ); }); By

It was nice (barely) knowing you, Curtis Finch Jr.

Yes, the lumbering 24-year-old St. Louis native was the first American Idol hopeful to bite the dust this season, as the top 10 was narrowed down to nine on Thursday night. (Things that make you go hmmm: Could the last-minute revelation that he was convicted of stealing from his church have contributed to his early exit?) 

Devin Velez narrowly skirted elimination as the prevailing half of the bottom two before Finch was forced to "sing for the save" that we all knew he wasn't going to – and didn't – get. (The judges get one save this season, and the vote must be unanimous, and there was no way they were busting it out this soon in the competition.)

'American Idol': Rolling Stone's Complete Coverage

As Finch took the stage one last time to give a stankface-filled performance of R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly," judge Nicki Minaj was so appalled by America's clearly ludicrous decision, she threatened to walk off the show. For a brief moment, we got really giddy that this might actually happen, considering she barely even bothered to show up the previous night. But, alas, she was bluffing. (Better luck next time.)

While some may be mourning the loss of Finch, we were actually more interested in the format changes the show revealed. For the first time ever, the top three contestants that viewers voted for were revealed. While they were not ranked, the remaining contestants were told where they stood in the rankings. It's a twist rival show The X Factor busted out during its sophomore season.

And apparently America be loving the ladies, with Candice Glover, Kree Harrison and Angie Miller sitting pretty atop the proverbial pedestal. The estrogen-heavy turnout proved just how skewed this season is toward a woman (finally) winning again. (Men have won the past five seasons, with Jordin Sparks – 'memba her? – being the last lady to win, way back in 2007.)

Falling in line behind them at number four was, surprisingly, Lazaro Arbos, who didn't do so well during his performance but clearly won the sympathy vote for the night. In fifth place was Amber Holcomb, followed by Janelle Arthur and Burnell Taylor, who acted like he had just been asked to "come on down" on The Price Is Right even though he's now technically a bottom-dweller.

Bringing up the rear in the bottom three, alongside Finch and Velez, was Paul Jolley.

Also part of the new format was host Ryan Seacrest rattling off weird, useless factoids about the results. Like how Velez received more that 25 percent of the votes in Puerto Rico, making him the top act there. Uh, OK.

In another twist, the show brought back one guy and one girl who fell short of the top 10 to compete for viewer votes to nab a spot on this summer's live tour. The returning hopefuls were oddball Charlie Askew, who sang original song "Sky Blue Diamond" in a grating chalkboard-like falsetto, and a classy looking Aubrey Cleland, singing the more pleasant "Out Here on My Own" by Irene Cara. The results will be revealed next week, and it basically comes down to whether viewers want to punk ticket-buyers by throwing Askew into the mix or not.

Rounding out the night were performances by Bon Jovi and Phillip Phillips, who sang "Because We Can" and "Gone, Gone, Gone," respectively. Afterward, Randy Jackson presented the reigning Idol champ with a quadruple-platinum plaque for his breakout hit "Home." Four million copies later and the kid still can't afford to buy a bottle of Visine to wipe the pesky red out.

Previously: Nicki Minaj Arrives Late for Top 10

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'Walking Dead' Recap: Let’s Talk Truce

Rick Grimes in 'The Walking Dead.'

Where we left off: Rick took Carl on a guns ‘n’ ammo run back to their hometown of Kings County, Georgia. Michonne came along and finally clicked with other humans, helping Carl rescue a beloved family portrait and confessing to Rick that she also used to see things that weren’t there. Back home, Rick reconnected with Morgan, his long-ago savior from the early days of the zombcopalypse. Morgan’s mind clouded over after his son turned zombie, and now he spends his days booby-trapping the town and keeping it clear of walkers. Rick and company refused to stop to help a backpacker and after he bit it, or rather, got bit, they snagged his pack and added it to their new stash of supplies. 

This week: Daryl makes a new friend! Hershel and Milton hit it off! And Michonne’s time with the Prison Gang might be drawing to a close.

So, somehow Andrea managed to set up a summit between Rick and the Governor. Maybe she drove to the prison and handed them an invitation, maybe she sent a carrier pigeon, or maybe she used smoke signals. However she made it happen, Rick meets the Gov in an empty barn. Rick’s allies, Daryl and Hershel, wait outside, along with the Gov’s two best bros Milton and Martinez. The Governor drops his weapons to show Rick he’s serious about truce-talking, although of course he’s taped another gun to the treaty-making table. (Spoilers: He never actually uses this weapon. Chekhov’s gun theory – finally disproved!) Andrea storms into the barn upset that they’ve started the negotiation process without her. After all, before the zombpocalypse, she was a lawyer. So she’s well-versed in these sorts of meetings and she wants to run the show. The Governor shoos her away because he has no time for womenfolk intruding on his serious man-to-man time.

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Rick offers a proposal: the Prison Gang gets the land west of the river and the Woodburians get the land to the east. No one crosses the boundary lines, no one trades, no making friends. The Governor is not into this kind of negotiation. He wants one thing and one thing only: Rick’s surrender.

Rick tries to appeal to the Governor’s sense of moral duty to his people – they’re both leaders and they both want to keep their posses alive, so oughtn’t they try to lead correctly, Mister Governor? The Gov plays dirty, bringing up Baby Judith and her uncertain paternity. Low blow, sir. Luckily, he brought whiskey so let’s get drunk and hammer out the terms of this deal! Right on!

Outside the barn, Hershel and Milton start to bond over scientific research and discovery when we hear some fearsome zombie snarls. Daryl and Martinez sniff each other’s butts while taking out walkers and grudgingly earn each other’s respect due to their hardcore zombie-killing skillz. It’s nice to see some solid male friendships developing on this show. Man time! Bro down! Let’s smoke zombie cigarettes and talk about girls and beer! They acknowledge that this summit is a load of total bullshit – no matter what happens inside that barn, there’s still going to be a massive showdown. Milton grills Hershel about his amputation and asks to see his stump. You’ve gotta buy a man a drink before you ask for something so intimate, buddy! Chuckles abound.

Hershel strikes up a chat with Andrea after she’s kicked out of the barn. She’s having a bit of an existential crisis, especially after Hershel reveals that the Governor almost did some very dirty and nasty stuff to his daughter. What will she do? She’s dating a very deranged man! Hershel insists that she belongs with the Prison Gang – will she give up her plush bed and all the comforts of Woodbury and her boyyyyyfriend to rejoin her friends? Her friends might also be crazy, but mayhaps they are slightly less cray-cray than the Governor. After all, they don’t keep zombie heads floating in aquariums. (Yet?)

The Governor knows that Rick brought back a massive haul of weapons from his daytrip to Kings County. And he knows that any future battle will take out most of his people. He takes off his eye patch and shows Rick his gory wound. The Governor wants Michonne. If Rick gives her up to the Governor, this standoff ends today. One woman’s life for the lives of everyone else. Oh fuck. Just when we’re starting to like her!

Back at the prison, the Still Alives stash weapons and ammo all over their fortress in preparation for the eventual battle with Team Woodbury. Merle insists that they need to seize this opportunity and attack, taking out the Governor once and for all. Glenn insists they can’t put Rick’s life in danger. Merle does not like it when other people question his authori-tay and shit gets heated. Merle doesn’t need Glenn’s permission, especially when his beloved baby brother’s life is on the line. Merle tells Glenn to nut up. Glenn refuses. Merle beats up Glenn (again). Someone fires a shot! It’s Beth, the farmer’s daughter, (Beth, the lovely farmer’s daughter), strapping on a set of ovaries and taking charge.

Glenn steps outside to stand watch and Maggie joins him. Glenn is still trying to protect her after everything that happened to her when they were hostages at Woodbury. They finally reconnect and start making out in front of all these zombies. Gross! Glenn leads her inside and things get hot and heavy. The whole time they’re making out, I am screaming at my TV. You can’t have sex in a zombie movie! That’s a basic rule of horror films! If you have sex, you’re going to DIE. But they love each so much that they’re able to get jiggy with it and still survive. That’s the power of love! (Cue the Huey Lewis). I just hope they picked up condoms on one of their supply runs because unprotected sex when you’re living in a prison surrounded by zombies is really Bad Idea Jeans.

In the treaty-barn, the men are getting tipsy. Rick wants to know why the Governor wants to kill Michonne so damn badly. They strike a bargain – if Rick gives up Michonne, the Governor will stop trying to kill the Prison Gang. He gives Rick two days to think about it, and then they’ll reconvene in the barn at noon.

The Gov takes his men (and his girlfriend) back to Woodbury, and Rick and his team return to the prison. The Governor tells Martinez to take out the entire prison gang when they return, keeping Michonne alive. Milton is upset about this impending slaughter. The Gov thanks Andrea for her lawyering skills but refuses to discuss the terms of the deal (or his secret plans to massacre her friends). Rick tells his people that he had a long chat with the Gov, mano-a-mano. He lies and tells them that The Gov wants the prison and wants to kill all of them – so this means war. RIGHT ON. The Prison Gang vs. Woodbury! It’s so fucking on!

Hershel finds Rick to discuss their plans for this upcoming battle. Rick confesses that the Governor gave him a choice – if Rick gives over Michonne, then they can prevent this war. Is that the right answer? Will the Governor just kill them all anyway? Rick lied to his people because they need to be scared. (Excellent leadership skills.) Because if they’re terrified, then they might be okay with handing over Michonne. But Michonne has saved everyone’s life and she’s earned her place in the prison. But would either of them sacrifice their own children’s lives for Michonne? Moral quandary. Rick hopes Hershel can talk him out of this decision. There must be another solution, Rick! Or take a cue from the Governor and just plan a massive ambush! How about a big double secret ambush from both sides? You can wear camo and paint your faces and go all Doomsday Preppers on each other? Please? Because, dear Rick, if you turn over Michonne to be tortured and murdered and probably a lot of mean, nasty things in between, you’re a pretty horrible dude. Search deep inside yourself, lawman! There must be some shred of humanity hidden somewhere in that still-beating heart of yours.

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'Girls' Recap: My Life on My Back

Lena Dunham and Adam Driver as Hannah and Adam on 'Girls'.

Even if their relationship has been fucked from day one, it seemed inevitable that Adam and Hannah would find their way back to one another by the end of the second season. Hannah had an ebook deal. Adam found a new, seemingly stable lady friend in Natalia. Things were going too well for them not to implode their new lives and crawl back to one another to try once again to make it work. 

Speaking of crawling, GET OUT OF THERE, NATALIA! In case we didn't get how sad life is, "On All Fours" opens with Adam and his new lady making sober, silly, extremely communicative love for the first time. "I'm ready to have sex now," she informs him, before unfurling a list of sexual details. "I like how clear you are with me," Adam smiles as they get busy. “What other way is there?" she replies. Oh girl, CRAWL HOME NOW BEFORE YOU FIND OUT.

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Meanwhile, John Cameron Mitchell is destroying Hannah's will to live. "Did your hymen grow back?" he chides her, gesticulating at the ebook pages he admittedly didn't read. "Where's the pudgy face slicked with semen and sadness?" What a line! What a line read! Hannah, still riddled with wedgie-picking, cheek-grabbing, ear-probing compulsions, is frantic to please. "I wrote about 200 other pages that I didn't think were good," she offers. "I had sex with a teenager?" Hannah's anxiety is so high, she finds solace the only way she knows how: jamming a Q-tip so far down her ear, she has to call her parents. "I heard air hiss out the hole," she sobs on the floor. "Nothing smaller than an elbow, ever," her mother admonishes. Has anyone so totally demolished their parents' confidence in their ability to deal with everyday life in so short a time? There must be a record.

After her mailroom hook-up, there's trouble in paradise for Ray and Shoshanna, too, which Shoshanna has chosen to cover up by catering to Ray as one might an unemployed 33-year-old Snuggie-wearing baby. "What's with all the geisha shit?" he inquires as she helps and tends. Shosh's grimace as she slaps a hand over her face in shame seem to foretell a more significant emotional repercussion to her actions, but looks like we'll have to wait until next week to find out. "I held a doorman's hand," she finally blurts to Ray. Is that what we're calling it now? Ray laughs it off with all the good humor of a homeless man desperately clinging to the one good thing left in his life. "Do you still want to be with me?" he asks, going in for a hug. "Oh good," Shosh whimpers sadly. The cycle of their relationship continues to grind forward. The nadir has not yet been reached.

I'm hoping we get to their lowest point next week, since it sure seems that's where we're headed with Marnie. I don't know if there is even any point to explaining how she is still committed to LAYING DOWN A TRACK and finagled her way into Charlie's work party to give him A SPECIAL SURPRISE when all you need to know is that is she sings Kanye's "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" in front of a group of other human beings. “Don't," Charlie gasps during her performance. I wanted to cram a million Q-tips in my ear until my brain stem stopped functioning, which I believe is kind of the point. I was worried they were going to make Marnie's singing career a serious plot point, and am pleased to see that they have, but in the same vein as Hannah's soul-annihilating ebook. “You have got to get your shit together," Charlie chides her in private afterward. "I'm on a journey. It's my journey, and I'm okay," Marnie retorts. Then they have sex on Charlie's desk. If a man could still love you after watching that . . . I don't know, makes you think. 

Meanwhile, at Natalia's friend's engagement party, Adam is about to ruin everything. "She's like Mother Theresa, except Mother Theresa didn't blow my cousin," her friend (Amy Schumer) jokes, before pointing out: "He has the face of an old-timey criminal. He looks like Peter Pan." Natalia is too nice, their connection too effortless, so of course Adam must run into Hannah on the street outside the bar on the way home from her Q-tip extraction. "I guess we're not huggers," she laughs convivially. "You should put some pants on," Adam informs her, before scampering back inside to throw his sobriety down the toilet with some Jack and gingers. Considering her mom met Adam in AA, it seems pretty unbelievable that Natalia would say nothing as her new boyfriend got trashed, though I guess that could speak to some larger issues on her part. I just doubt we are going to get into it with one ep left.  

Back at his creepy, depressing, half-boat apartment, Adam tells Natalia to get down on all fours. This whole sex scene was some existential realness as far as I'm concerned, an honest depiction of the moment when someone you're sleeping with decides to act out a sexual scenario that has absolutely nothing to do with you. Despite the fact that you're the one crawling down the hallway littered with pieces of plywood and sweat-soaked towels, your partner is miles away mentally, desperate to prove something to himself or to another party not in attendance. "Not on my dress," Natalia says, cringing as Adam comes on her chest. "I really didn't like that," she informs him blankly. After apologizing for a hot second, Adam switches immediately into defensive mode. "Is this is it? Are you done with me?" he demands. Good God, if you're lucky, son! If she's not done, you know exactly how this relationship is going to go. You had one just like it about a month ago, after all. 

Meanwhile, across town Hannah sits on the edge of her bathtub frantically jerking her head from side to side. She jams another Q-tip into her ear and cringes in pain. Maybe I'm just in a nihilistic mood, but what a great ending! It goes without saying that Adam and Hannah have to get back together next week, right? I guess the question is: is the solace these weirdos find in each other worth all the other bullshit? What if that's the only kind of solace they know how to find? 

Last week: Too Many Freaks, Not Enough Circuses

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'Celebrity Apprentice' Recap: It's Rough For Rockers

La Toya Jackson, Brande Roderick and Claudia Jordan on 'Celebrity Apprentice.'

Every rose has its thorn. And every reality competition has no use for former winners-turned-repeat-contestants. Such was the lesson learned from last week's season premiere of Celebrity Apprentice, during which former champion and purveyor of monogrammed cowboy hats Bret Michaels was promptly given the pink slip by Donald Trump and sent on his color contact-wearing way.

So it is that week's episode kicks off with board room survivors Brande Roderick and La Toya Jackson returning to a delighted suite of fellow contestants, none happier than Michaels' devilish former teammate, Omarosa. "My wish came true!" she exclaims, trying her damnedest to portray herself as cold-hearted. "Deuces, Bret!"

There's little time to celebrate: Trump interrupts the party to inform the teams that they're soon boarding his Boeing 757 jet ("You know, if you have a plane like that, you can have any woman in the world," he'll later enlighten us) and flying down to Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida for their next task. Without knowing what exactly they'll be doing, the teams must select project managers. Dee Snider and Omarosa man up, respectively. (We also learn that Trace Adkins will be unable to participate this week; apparently a cruise with Blake Shelton takes precedence.)

Q&A: Donald Trump on 'Celebrity Apprentice,' Guns and Romney's Failings

OK, so what's the task? The teams will be creating a "photo experience" at the theme park. The winning project manager will notch $20K for his or her charity. For the time being, all Omarosa's team can think about is the forthcoming drama awaiting them with her at the helm . "You don't have to worry about me backstabbing," Omarosa insists. "I'll come from the front!"

Once on the ground, both teams set out to work. Omarosa says she wants to treat the task as if her team were an ad agency promoting Universal; Snider takes the Universal executive's advice and says he plans to follow the mantra of creating "memorable experiences."

Omarosa's team ultimately decides to construct a three-part photo booth of sorts, with each "room" in the booth featuring a specific Universal brand (Harry Potter, Spiderman, Despicable Me). Lil Jon, Jackson and Roderick venture out to snap pictures throughout the park. Dennis Rodman stays back with Omarosa, who is keeping herself busy demeaning her team's hired hands.

Meanwhile, Snider finds himself succumbing to Penn Jillette's suggestion to create a 3D illusion for the photo experience. ("He got sucked into Penn's illusion," teammate Stephen Baldwin says of Snider.) Eventually, the Twisted Sister singer grows a pair and dismisses Jillette's over-the-top proposal, instead opting to construct cutouts of him and his team members posing like goofballs. "We're all pretty bright people," Snider says minutes after Gary Busey makes it obvious he's never before used a digital camera. "Very sweet," Marilu Henner says describing teammate Busey. "But so irritating."

The next morning, both teams arrive at the park; their "experiences" are now constructed and ready for action. "I'm a visionary and a leader," Omarosa says to no one in particular, reflecting on her self-proclaimed project-managing genius. Theme-park guests file into both teams' exhibits, snap pictures, let Busey creepily tickle them and watch as Trump's two sons and the Universal executives awkwardly feign excitement. Nothing's for certain, but Omarosa's team's display appears far superior.

Now we're back in the board room. Henner tells Trump that Busey was nothing short of a nuisance to their team. Omarosa says Rodman basically stood around and did jack. There's a bunch of the usual catty chit-chat (Claudia Jordan says teammate Omarosa is nasty . . . but dammit, she respects her) as Trump tells the celebrities how great they are. Let's get the results: Trump informs Snider that the Universal executives thought his team's exhibit was sorely lacking in creativity. So, as we predicted, Omarosa's team notches the win.

Wait, was it that, you say? Is that Omarosa balling hysterically simply because her team won a Celebrity Apprentice challenge? Well, apparently she's also overjoyed that she can now donate money to the charity of her late fiancé, Michael Clark Duncan. Rodman isn't sold. "That's so Oscar-worthy acting," the first North Korean diplomat with a lip ring says.

Obviously someone from Snider's team must now be fired. The team's ideas for the task were all Snider's. Then again, Jillette didn't exactly press hard for his original, far more creative concept. But after fake-firing Jillette ("I was already halfway to the elevator," the magician says with a laugh), Snider opts to bring back Busey and Baldwin with him to the board room to face elimination. (The former, Snider says, has "limited capabilities" and the latter is "shady.") Quickly, though, it becomes apparent that Snider is prepared to fall on his own sword this go-round. "Dee, I don't want to fire you," Trump says, "but Dee, you're fired!"

"I didn't expect to see you so soon," Snider tells the Trump Tower elevator attendant as he makes his exit, and with it signaling two episodes in the can and two rockers sent packing.

Last Episode: The Meatball-Hawking All-Stars

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'American Idol' Recap: Few Surprises as Top 10 Are Revealed

'American Idol' Recap: Few Surprises as Top 10 Are RevealedCurtis Finch Jr., Angie Miller are among the frontrunners $(document).ready(function() { $('.socialActionsTop .pageActions .email-content').hover( function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.email').show(); }, function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.email').hide(); } ); $('.socialActionsTop .pageActions .print-page').hover( function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.print').show(); }, function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.print').hide(); } ); }); By

Finally, after 39 million votes were cast, American Idol has a top 10. To get there, Idol took a page from The Voice and The X Factor and presented the super-sized results in a new and improved fast-paced format that let each of the top 10 contestants perform a victory song. Although it stretched the show to an hour and a half, it was far more entertaining than watching Ryan Seacrest read names while moving contestants from one side of the stage to the other. 

There were few surprises among the top 10. For the women, the four strongest performers moved forward, with Janelle Arthur edging out Audrey Cleland and Breanna Steers for the last spot. Also squeaking through was Kree Harrison who, after hearing her name announced, declared, "Let's have some fun y'all. I'm so relieved right now!" before closing the show with a powerful rendition of Susan Tedeschi's "Evidence." 

'American Idol': Rolling Stone's Complete Coverage

As for the men, after Paul Jolley was sent to the top 10, there were no other surprises, apart from his choice to sing Heart's "Alone" as his victory song. (Although it was perhaps surprising that Vincent Powell didn't make it through.) 

Here's what else happened on Idol last night: 

Angie Miller's rendition of Beyoncé's "I Was Here" brought Keith Urban to tears. The judge was crying at the poignancy of taking a virtual unknown like Miller and giving her a shot by putting her on television. "You just needed a chance, baby," he said while wiping tears away.  

"I don't want to sound too clichéd, but it means everything," Burnell Taylor told Ryan after securing a spot in top 10. The judges were pleased to see him go on in the competition, especially after his victory lap to India.Arie's "Ready for Love." 

Curtis Finch Jr. gasped in what seemed like genuine surprise when Ryan called his name. His humility was charming as the judges gave him a standing ovation, and if there is anything like a frontrunner among the men right now, it is clearly Curtis. He selected John Legend's "So High" as his victory song, which is apt considering his version of R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly" earned him the spot. Maybe next week he'll do Nicki Minaj's "Fly" for the triple crown. 

Devin Velez's mom was so excited that he made it to the top 10 that she bum-rushed the stage after his performance of Israel Houghton's "The Power of One."  

The final male contestant to make it into the top 10 was Lazaro Arbos, who stopped the live television action to instruct the bandleader on how to end his version of Simon and Garfunkel's "Bridge Over Troubled Water." 

Third time was the charm for Janelle Arthur, who made it into the top 10 after auditioning for Idol two previous years. Nicki's ladybug/marshmallow "came alive" during her performance of Dierks Bentley's "Home" and Nicki is convinced she will become a huge country star. 

Candice Glover charged toward the stage the moment Ryan read her name out. The host had to stop her from bursting out the stage doors so she could talk to the cameras. Her smooth and sultry version of Mary J. Blige's "I'm Goin' Down" was all the justification America needed for putting her through. In the words of Randy Jackson, "This girl can really, really sing."

Special shout out to Amber Holcomb for opting to sing an up-tempo, actually celebratory victory song as she got the audience rocking out to Chaka Khan's "I'm Every Woman." 

Going Home: Cleland, Steer, Powell, Elijah Liu, Zoanette Johnson, Cortez Shaw, Adriana Latonio, Tenna Torres, Nick Boddington and Charlie Askew.

Most Mariah Moment: "Mariah, I know you love seeing this," Ryan said after Holcomb made it through. "What do you mean by that, darling?" Mariah asked. 

Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: The top 10 perform!  

Previously: Curtis Fincher Dips Into R. Kelly Songbook

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HBO Preps 'Game of Thrones' Season Three With Recap Special

HBO Preps 'Game of Thrones' Season Three With Recap SpecialCreators and cast discuss events of second season $(document).ready(function() { $('.socialActionsTop .pageActions .email-content').hover( function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.email').show(); }, function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.email').hide(); } ); $('.socialActionsTop .pageActions .print-page').hover( function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.print').show(); }, function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.print').hide(); } ); }); By

With Game of Thrones' Season Three premiere fast approaching, HBO is offering fans a refresher course on the events of the show's second season, by way of a handy 14-minute recap video. The video, which aired on the channel Friday night and is now available online, features the show's cast, along with creators David Banioff and D.B. Weiss, discussing key plot points, relationships and character motivations of the last season. Season Three of Game of Thrones kicks off on March 31st.

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'American Idol' Recap: Few Surprises as Top 10 Are Revealed

'American Idol' Recap: Few Surprises as Top 10 Are RevealedCurtis Finch Jr., Angie Miller are among the frontrunners $(document).ready(function() { $('.socialActionsTop .pageActions .email-content').hover( function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.email').show(); }, function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.email').hide(); } ); $('.socialActionsTop .pageActions .print-page').hover( function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.print').show(); }, function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.print').hide(); } ); }); By

Finally, after 39 million votes were cast, American Idol has a top 10. To get there, Idol took a page from The Voice and The X Factor and presented the super-sized results in a new and improved fast-paced format that let each of the top 10 contestants perform a victory song. Although it stretched the show to an hour and a half, it was far more entertaining than watching Ryan Seacrest read names while moving contestants from one side of the stage to the other. 

There were few surprises among the top 10. For the women, the four strongest performers moved forward, with Janelle Arthur edging out Audrey Cleland and Breanna Steers for the last spot. Also squeaking through was Kree Harrison who, after hearing her name announced, declared, "Let's have some fun y'all. I'm so relieved right now!" before closing the show with a powerful rendition of Susan Tedeschi's "Evidence." 

'American Idol': Rolling Stone's Complete Coverage

As for the men, after Paul Jolley was sent to the top 10, there were no other surprises, apart from his choice to sing Heart's "Alone" as his victory song. (Although it was perhaps surprising that Vincent Powell didn't make it through.) 

Here's what else happened on Idol last night: 

Angie Miller's rendition of Beyoncé's "I Was Here" brought Keith Urban to tears. The judge was crying at the poignancy of taking a virtual unknown like Miller and giving her a shot by putting her on television. "You just needed a chance, baby," he said while wiping tears away.  

"I don't want to sound too clichéd, but it means everything," Burnell Taylor told Ryan after securing a spot in top 10. The judges were pleased to see him go on in the competition, especially after his victory lap to India.Arie's "Ready for Love." 

Curtis Finch Jr. gasped in what seemed like genuine surprise when Ryan called his name. His humility was charming as the judges gave him a standing ovation, and if there is anything like a frontrunner among the men right now, it is clearly Curtis. He selected John Legend's "So High" as his victory song, which is apt considering his version of R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly" earned him the spot. Maybe next week he'll do Nicki Minaj's "Fly" for the triple crown. 

Devin Velez's mom was so excited that he made it to the top 10 that she bum-rushed the stage after his performance of Israel Houghton's "The Power of One."  

The final male contestant to make it into the top 10 was Lazaro Arbos, who stopped the live television action to instruct the bandleader on how to end his version of Simon and Garfunkel's "Bridge Over Troubled Water." 

Third time was the charm for Janelle Arthur, who made it into the top 10 after auditioning for Idol two previous years. Nicki's ladybug/marshmallow "came alive" during her performance of Dierks Bentley's "Home" and Nicki is convinced she will become a huge country star. 

Candice Glover charged toward the stage the moment Ryan read her name out. The host had to stop her from bursting out the stage doors so she could talk to the cameras. Her smooth and sultry version of Mary J. Blige's "I'm Goin' Down" was all the justification America needed for putting her through. In the words of Randy Jackson, "This girl can really, really sing."

Special shout out to Amber Holcomb for opting to sing an up-tempo, actually celebratory victory song as she got the audience rocking out to Chaka Khan's "I'm Every Woman." 

Going Home: Cleland, Steer, Powell, Elijah Liu, Zoanette Johnson, Cortez Shaw, Adriana Latonio, Tenna Torres, Nick Boddington and Charlie Askew.

Most Mariah Moment: "Mariah, I know you love seeing this," Ryan said after Holcomb made it through. "What do you mean by that, darling?" Mariah asked. 

Best Reason to Come Back Next Week: The top 10 perform!  

Previously: Curtis Fincher Dips Into R. Kelly Songbook

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'American Idol' Recap: Auditions Are a Drag for Steven Tyler

'American Idol' Recap: Auditions Are a Drag for Steven TylerAerosmith dude looks like a lady when he shows up in Oklahoma $(document).ready(function() { $('.socialActionsTop .pageActions .email-content').hover( function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.email').show(); }, function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.email').hide(); } ); $('.socialActionsTop .pageActions .print-page').hover( function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.print').show(); }, function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.print').hide(); } ); }); By

Steven Tyler in drag was worth sitting through an otherwise snooze-worthy series of auditions in Oklahoma. The former American Idol judge and Aerosmith lead singer surprised his successors by showing up in full drag, from heels to hose to blonde wig and perfectly applied blush, just to say hi. He wouldn't sing, not even a single bar of "Dude Looks Like a Lady," but he did flash the panel on his way out. I miss him.

While Steven brought the laughs, Kayden Stephenson brought the inspiration. Kayden is a cherubic-faced Bieber-ish 16-year-old who breezily talked about his shortened life expectancy and the terminal illness (cystic fibrosis) that will probably kill him by the age of 35. He simply shrugged after mentioning that he doesn't have as long to live as other people and then started to sing in an endearingly sweet voice. After he earned his golden ticket, Ryan asked, "Where are you getting this confidence from?" Kayden smiled, "I guess I was born with it. I'm lucky." He could win this whole thing, just because no one in America could vote him off. 

'American Idol': Rolling Stone's Complete Coverage

Kayden and 44 others were handed tickets to Hollywood during the final round of Idol auditions Here are the highlights and lowlights: 

When the Idol bus rolled through Joplin, Missouri, they picked up Karl Skinner. Karl could be an amazing singer, but no one would notice because his dancing is so horrifying. He told the judges he wanted "to be incomparable" and they agreed that he achieved that and earned a golden ticket to boot. 

Nate Tao's father escorted him to the auditions, even though his parents will never hear him sing, because they are deaf. The unassuming and relaxed ASL teacher delivered a breezy version of Stevie Wonder's "For Once in My Life" that wooed the judges and earned him four yeses. Randy Jackson couldn't help but comment on the clean-cut guy's image, quipping, "It looks like you're going to do my taxes." If neither singing nor teaching works out, Nate is undoubtedly thrilled he can fall back no a career as a singing accountant. 

Halie Hilburn clearly doesn't have a trusted adult in her life to tell her that she really shouldn't audition for Idol with her ventriloquist dummy in tow. No one to tell her that singing a duet with a yodeling bear is a really, really bad choice. Thank God for the Idol judges, who had no qualms telling her to ditch the dummy and just sing. She earned a ticket to Hollywood, but the dummy did not. 

Zoanette Johnson lost a bet with her family, that if President Obama won re-election she would sing the national anthem as her audition song. She promised Ryan, though, that it would be a version "with the flavor." She should have lip synced over Beyoncé's vocal track instead of delivering a bewildering performance that included a Mariah-esque aria and a booty-shaking dance.  The seemingly slap-happy judges put her through to Hollywood so she could be kicked out later. 

God told Anastacia Freeman to audition for American Idol. Unfortunately, God did not imbue her with singing talent. So much so that Anastacia stopped her performance of "Unbreak My Heart" to ask the judges if they were laughing at her. They lied. Out in the parking lot, Anastacia denounced Nicki Minaj as a devil worshipper and swore she would never listen to another Mariah Carey album again. 

Previously: Nicki Minaj Ignores Basic Fire Safety

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'Downton Abbey' Recap: 'Like Too Many Women Before Her'

Jessica Brown Findlay as Lady Sybil and Allen Leech as Tom Branson in 'Downtown Abbey'

The thing about comfort food is that when someone serves you a piping hot plate of it week after week, you never suspect that one day they're going to grab it and smash it into your face.

Downton Abbey is just a soap opera, as both its admirers and detractors will tell you; what side of that divide they come down on depends on both how they feel about the genre itself and this show's impeccable version thereof. And while people die on soaps all the time, those deaths are typically tearjerkers, not gut-punchers. That's certainly been the case on Downton until this point, where the major deaths – Kemal Pamuk, Vera Bates, William, Lavinia, even the Crawley heirs whose deaths on the Titanic started it all – have meant more to us in terms of how they've affected the survivors than the dyers themselves.

So I'll admit it: Despite the ominous rumblings from across the pond, where this season aired months ago, I never saw this coming. Not when Dr. Clarkson mentioned his concerns about pre-eclampsia. Not when the family really started to fight about which doctor was in the right. Not when the childbirth seemingly went off without a hitch. Not when Sybil was issuing ominously final-sounding instructions about how her family should be treated. Not even when the panic-stricken family gathered in Sybil's room, watching her scream and pound her own head and seize and convulse and gasp for breath. Surely, surely, something could be done. That's the kind of show this is, right?

'Downton Abbey' Season Three Cheat Sheet

Wrong. And in proving it wrong, creator/writer/showrunner Julian Fellowes and actress Jessica Brown Findlay delivered more than just one of the most physically unbearable-to-watch death scenes this side of Breaking Bad or Deadwood – they served up the show's most powerful broadside against its own sexist system yet.

Every woman I know who's experienced pregnancy and childbirth has at least one jaw-dropping story of creepy or condescending or infuriating paternalism by some male medical professional or other. Well before you get into the well-documented War on Women territory of moving to convict rape victims who abort their pregnancies of felony evidence tampering, women's physical and psychological pain during this process is too often treated like an inconvenience to be brushed aside or powered through rather than treated with all due hippocratically mandated urgency. If those needs are not taken seriously, neither is the gender that generates them.

In tonight's episode, that paternalism becomes tragically literal. That tragedy is foreshadowed when an ebullient Lady Edith learns she's been offered a gig as a newspaper columnist, with a carte-blanche remit that would make a 21st-century freelancer of any gender flip the eff out. (Ahem.) Without even realizing how condescending he's being, Robert reacts as though the editor only made the offer to draught off the great Earl of Grantham's family name. When he looks at his daughter he sees neither her talent nor her need for support, only a weaker-sex reflection of himself. And among his peer group, he's a relatively open-minded guy! Downton Season Three's laser-precise exploitation of Lord Robert's weaknesses has been kind of remarkable to behold.

Enter the odiously arrogant doctor Sir Phillip, and the mistake that costs Sybil her life. Confronted with a difference in opinion among two male medical professionals – one of whom has known Sybil not just as a patient but as a person (and even a staff member, during the War) since birth and therefore reacts to her uncharacteristic appearance and behavior with alarm, the other who'd never even met her until the day before and therefore blows it off – Robert and Cora split on what should be done. Naturally, the default decision is to do what her father prefers: nothing. The delay costs them precious time, preventing them from taking the question to Sybil's husband Tom to make the final call; by this point Sybil herself is too incoherent to make the decision herself. Father knew best, until he didn't. 

The irony is that the Crawleys are supposed to have it easy. But while Sybil and Edith both discovered that their life of mandatory leisure is a stultifying, potential-suppressing prison in many respects, a woman like Ethel, sentenced to a life of poverty and ignominy for the crime of getting knocked up by a deadbeat asshole, doesn't even have the leisure to fall back on. Isobel's insistence upon hiring Ethel back into service, then allowing self-righteous Mrs. Bird to quit rather than firing Ethel when presented with the senior cook's ultimatum, is a cathartic breath of fresh air, particularly in an episode like this. But Fellowes works to tarnish even this brief triumph over conformity: We sense Isobel's irritation that her good deed has been rewarded with terrible cooking and undrinkable tea, revealing the extent of her bourgeois benevolence. And we know that shitty as it is, Mrs. Bird's dramatic proclamation about Ethel, "If I tolerate her, I will be tarnished by her," is probably true, in this world. The system is kept in place by low-ranking members who cling to their few advantages over the even-lower, like a "good name," with terrifying tenacity.

Women, of course, are not the only victims of the ironclad rules and regulations for gender and sexuality. Whatever O'Brien's true knowledge of or feelings about Thomas's homosexuality may be, they weren't an obstacle to being dude's BFF for years. Now that they've fallen out, though, O'Brien's declaring open season on Thomas's closed closet door. With the exception of Dame Maggie Smith's irrepressible Dowager Countess, Downton's not known as a showcase for showy acting – this ensemble's stock in trade is restraint, not fireworks. But the portrayal of O'Brien by actor Siobhan Finneran (who, might I add, looks like this IRL) is so restrained, so rigorously controlled and subdued, it's become a kind of fireworks all its own. Simply put, O'Brien never smiles . . . until tonight, when she reacts to Jimmy's hesitant suspicions of Thomas's motives with a bone-chilling grin. That's the beauty of restraint, isn't it? The little things matter.

And despite Thomas being one of the show's least sympathetic characters, this episode went out of its way to humanize him, in the face of a coming smear campaign to which he's completely oblivious. First, it paired his somewhat transparent attempt to pick up Jimmy the Hunky Footman with his intuitive, compellingly competent, almost poetic expertise with clocks – knowledge learned at the feet of his father, no less. Then it capped his sobbing devastation over the death of Sybil, one of the only people who've ever shown him kindness and accepted it from him in return, with a touching rapprochement with Anna, whose husband he'd once tirelessly worked to destroy.

I loved, by the way, that Thomas and Anna pulled apart when Mrs. Hughes walked by, as if they were doing something illicit, despite the many, many reasons we know they're up to no such thing. That's how strict the rules against physical contact can be, and thus that's how unexpected and welcome something as simple as Anna putting her hand on Thomas to comfort him can feel. Again, the little things matter. But in a system in which freedom is so proscribed for so many, they're not enough.

Last week: 'We All Live in a Harsh World'

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'Girls' Recap: We Have So Many Memories

Lena Dunham and Andrew Rannells in 'Girls.'

I know the subject is still totes verboten, but what if Lena Dunham's depiction of her body is basically the point of her creative endeavor? Or at least the most important part of her creative endeavor as it relates to the constant discussion we’re all having about television right now? Does that sound like an overstatement? If that sentence made your butthole clamp shut with fury, you’re probably going to want to stop reading my recap, because I have a lot of THOUGHTS and FEELINGS on the subject.

Before I get into the marathon nipple-thon Dunham ran this evening, however, can we talk about her delightful critique of women-targeted websites and the personal revelations a freelancer must write about in order to make a measly buck in this dirty town? Hannah stops by for an interview at JazzHate (Right? That's what it said on the wall), an XOJane knock-off edited by an intense blond named Jame. "You don't look seem that fancy," she smirks before offering Hannah $200 an article. Guys, that's fancy money as far as I'm concerned. The catch is that Hannah is basically required to peel back the layers of her individual privacy and expose her vulnerable inner nugget to the world, preferably in a story containing group sex or drug use that people will actually click on. The whole concept makes me think of XOJane's Cat Marnell, but the idea of researching that whole saga enough to make a compelling argument about a possible connection makes my bones weary, so I'm just not going to do it. I ain't making Hannah-style money for these recaps, if you get what I’m saying.

The Ten Most Cringe-Worthy Moments on 'Girls' Season One

And so Hannah decides to do coke for the first time to have something to write about. "The reason I've never done it before is because I have weird nasal passages," she explains. Excited to finally write a story that "exposes all of my vulnerabilities to the internet" like so many young writers before her, Hannah introduces herself to her building's resident junkie, Laird. We soon learn Laird is in recovery and conflicted about playing a part in another person's drug use. Luckily he's also a creepy stalker with a crush on Hannah, so he gets her some cocaine anyway. "Um, how much can you guys hear me upstairs? 'Cause I can hear you," Laird says and smiles creepily. His investment in Marnie’s departure from their apartment was such a great, disturbing detail. "You have different magazine subscriptions and different schedules," he says with a sympathetic nod. Yikes.

Speaking of Marnie . . . let's talk about Alison Williams for a second, shall we? Maybe I'm late to the party on this one, but it's slowly dawning on me that either the show is craftily underwriting Marnie in preparation for her total meltdown, or Alison Williams . . . how should I put this? . . . is more of a novice to the craft of acting than everyone else on the program. Right? She's kind of stiff and blank a lot of the time? Shoshanna and Jessa appeared in tonight’s episode for roughly 45 seconds, meaning we had a whole lot of Marnie on our hands.

While working her hostess job, she runs into Booth, that artist who last season told her he was a man and knew how to "do things" before running away from her on the Highline. Haha, looks like we're about to learn what those "things" are! Turns out, they are having sex while lying completely flat on top of Marnie while demanding she look at and narrate the inner emotional life of an antique doll. "How is she feeling?" Booth pants. "She's feeling . . . sassy?" Marnie ventures. So, just as I had guessed, the only thing that separates the men from the boys is a sexual fixation on an off-putting porcelain homunculi.

The visual of that scene was excellent, as were the numerous details offering us insight into Booth's inner workings. ("What's the blood made out of?" Marnie ponders as she examines his dollhouse sculptures. "Oh, it's blood," he replies.) Marnie's inner workings, on the other hand, continue to be a mystery to me. Their sex scene is paralleled by Marnie's journey into the video tower, where her motionless face hides what turns out to be total awe at the experience. "What the fuck, man?" she gasps after being forced to watch babies and maggots on a howling loop. "You're so fucking talented."  There is literally no way we could have known that without her explaining out loud how she felt. Marnie’s face is almost always set to "Annoyed" or "Unreadable." Now, I certainly don't mind one of the show’s characters being more opaque than Hannah. I just don't know if that's the show’s intent, or what purpose it serves. Obviously Marnie's got some stuff going on if she's letting strange artists lock her in an installation and blow loads inside her (Right? Since he asked if she's on the pill right before he came?), and I just wish we had a better idea of what that stuff was.

But back to Hannah's coke adventure, which due to human decency starts at some point after 4:00 p.m. "I'm going to get married wearing a veil," Hannah yammers excitedly before scrawling her life goals on the wall in marker. "I want to learn to write a check properly." As the night descends, she and Elijah head to a club to dance to the DJ stylings of Andrew Andrew, a pair of Genesis P-Orridge-style fun guys, and to confirm their own genius. "My greatest dream is to have sex with myself," Hannah shouts. "It is also my worst nightmare." I personally felt that all the coke scenes were an excellent depiction of the combination of youth and substances that convinces you that everything you say is a string of golden words sent directly from the mind of God, when in fact you are merely sweating and babbling over a toilet seat. "Are you kidding? Are you a mind reader?" Hannah gasps when a fellow dancer gives her his mesh shirt to wear. Hannah's boobs are out the rest of the episode, which brings me back to my larger point about the centrality of Lena Dunham's body, and how much she wants us to see to it in all its sweaty, frantic, average beauty. Beyond just showing off her nakedness as she dances maniacally, hair matted, unfettered titties flopping free, Hannah's slow-motion coke rock to "I Love It" seemed like a big fuck you to the haters sputtering and flushing over her success. Or at least I enjoyed it as such.

It goes without saying that their drugged-out evening ends with Elijah blurting out that he had sex with Marnie. "Did you fuck her like in a sexual way?" Hannah screams before dousing her head in the club's bathroom sink. "Like Rizzo says in Grease, there are worse things I could do," he scoffs. Jeez, this guy. Despite the unfairness of her expectations ("Elijah, I was meant to be your last!" she cries), Elijah is just a real tool about the whole thing. "When did you eat jerky?" he asks, cringing after Hannah surprises him with a kiss. "That is not any concern of yours," she spits. What kind of person would then let Hannah drag him (and Laird, who has apparently been stalking them this entire time) to Booth's apartment to chew out Marnie? "You're the bad friend," Hannah snarls at her stunned best friend, before demanding that her other best friend move out. Having successfully alienated those closest to her, a seething Hannah propositions Laird in the hallway of her apartment building. Lord, can someone get Donald Glover back up in here? If Hannah's types are destined to be "black Republicans" and "total psychos," I would like more of the former so we can take a break from the latter. "It's just for tonight though, for work," Hannah tells a trembling Laird, in case you thought for a second we’re supposed to sympathize with her at all after watching her vitriolic, braless emotional rampage. Can’t say I blame her! Gotta get that rent money, girl. Haters will always hate.

Last Week: I'm 100% Not Getting Weird

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'American Idol' Recap: Mariah Carey Cries in Baton Rouge

'American Idol' Recap: Mariah Carey Cries in Baton RougeContestant's version of 'I'm Here' brings the diva judge to tears $(document).ready(function() { $('.socialActionsTop .pageActions .email-content').hover( function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.email').show(); }, function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.email').hide(); } ); $('.socialActionsTop .pageActions .print-page').hover( function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.print').show(); }, function() { $('.socialActionsTop .bubble.print').hide(); } ); }); By

Mariah Carey cried last night on American Idol, but it wasn't because of Nicki Minaj rolling her eyes extra hard at her. No, Mariah was crying because Burnell Taylor's rendition of "I'm Here," from The Color Purple, drove her to tears. The timbre and tenor of his voice also made Keith Urban momentarily forget he was on camera, close his eyes and start swaying. When the last note drifted lazily from Burnell's mouth, Randy Jackson, Keith and even diva Mariah were on their feet clapping. (There's a slight possibility that Nicki may have been glued to her chair.) Mariah declared, "Burnell made me cry!" while Keith sighed, "Somewhere there's a spotlight just waiting for you to walk into it." Burnell was quickly handed a golden ticket. Outside, Ryan Seacrest tells him, "You've changed that panel forever, my friend. " Burnell's dad looks skeptical and asks him, "You that good?"

'American Idol': Rolling Stone's Complete Coverage

Burnell was the last of 35 contestants to make it to Hollywood from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, a.k.a. the birthplace of Randy Jackson. While much of the snooze-y Baton Rouge auditions were filled with notably terrible singers who have never been told by a trusted adult that they are tone deaf and awful, there were a few stand-outs: 

Megan Miller a.k.a. Miss Greater Baton Rouge showed up at the Idol auditions in heels and on crutches like the pageant queen she is. She has to go have surgery on her leg immediately after she auditions. Being a trooper is one thing, but come on: PRIORITIES. She delivers a punchy version of "Something's Got a Hold on Me" that is good enough for the judges to vote her through to Hollywood as quickly as possible so she can go get her damn surgery already. Nicki likes that she's not using her broken leg as a crutch (sorry!), but is just doing her job, like a professional. 

Charlie Askew is a socially awkward 17-year-old who has only been able to connect to people through his music. He delivers a powerful few bars of Queen's "Breakthrough." The judges are "pleasantly surprised" with his voice. Keith thinks it's "not of a gender," but in a good way "like Bowie." Mariah claims she can identify with the scrawny puberty-addled redhead, which earns a well-deserved eyeroll from Nicki. 

Maddie Assel was nominated for Idol by her grandma. She was singing on a New Orleans street when Randy found her using a Liam Neeson-like set of tracking skills. He handed her a ticket and told her to show up the next day to perform for the judges. Maddie's voice has a sweetly feminine bluesy rasp, which she compares to Beyoncé, Adele and Hailey Reinhardt. Keith laughs that she "doesn't sound like any of them." Then we meet the most interesting person on the show thus far: Maddie's grandma. When Maddie walks out, golden ticket in hand, she instantly announces, "Grandma, you're so embarrassing!" And her grandmother just adjusts her mask, throws her Mardi Gras beads, twirls her umbrella and mutters something about "magic dust" and "zombies" as the True Blood theme song starts up. 

Paul Jolley sings Rascall Flatts "I Won't Let Go" to honor his grandfather, who recently died. Nicki has a few things to say about the performance: "You have a nice texture to your tone, a nice quality to your voice, a sparkle in your eye, and a partridge in a pear tree." When he earned his trip to Hollywood, he made his grandma cry.  

Doogie Howser is trying out for Idol! Dr. Calvin Peters is a fresh-faced third-year resident who loves to sing. Not one to shy away from a challenge, he is singing a Maxwell song, a feat that Keith compares to a triple black diamond ski slope. Randy visibly gulps a few times during the tremendous performance. Dr. Peters earns himself four yeses and then changes his name to Doc Hollywood. 

Dustin Watts is a singing fireman who does a Garth Brooks song in such a pitch-perfect country twang that Keith looks a little jealous. 

Best Nicki-ism: Nicki (wrapped in a blanket like she's watching Netflix on the dorm room couch) offers to run her hands through Chris "Mushroom" Barthel's hair to bless him for all his days. 

Most Mariah Moment: Keith called Nicki "Mariah," quickly realized his mistake, "I think I'll have to go and say some Hail Marys for that!" "A thousand Hail Marys," Nicki responded. "And then some," Mariah clarified.

Most Alarming Contestant: A girl who looks like Chloe Sevigny has a major freak out, which is especially funny if you pretend it really is Chloe Sevigny auditioning to get in character for a part. 

Previously: Nicki Minaj Storms Off the Set

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'American Horror Story: Asylum' Recap: Judy vs. the Devil

James Cromwell as Dr. Arden in 'American Horror Story'

Aaaaaand Adam Levine is dead. We don't know that for sure, but boy, he does not look good, what with the meat-hook wounds in his chest. Tonight's Tricks and Treats picks up right where the season premiere left off: with Teresa confronting Bloody Face in the Death Chute. It's too early to predict the nature of Bloody Face, but after tonight's episode, might I suggest we're dealing with a lineage of killers (possibly possessed individuals?), rather than just one weird dude hanging out in Briarcliff forever? Alternately, Bloody Face could be a ghost! Do you think Ryan Murphy will include a ghost element in this season, or is he too burnt out? Not that we really need them. Demons are the new ghost anyway.

But first, betrayal! Back in 1964, Wendy and her friends Barb and, I'm going to say, Khaki Pants commisserate nervously in the wake of Lana's commitment to the asylum. (On a related note, I apologize for writing that Wendy was played by Franka Potente rather than Clea Duvall. I have a terrifying disease where 70 percent of actresses appear to be Franka Potente.) (Also, I'm an idiot.) Wendy decides to recant her claim that Lana is insane, which might not be easy. "You signed a document," Khaki Pants reminds her. A totally fake document obtained through blackmail, but a document nonetheless!

They hear a knock on the door and gasp in terror. Fortunately for Wendy, it's just her students trick-or-treating a day early. Unfortunately for Wendy's students, they just saw their teacher openly weeping in her living room, perhaps the most terrifying sight a child can see. "Check out the mass murders, Barb," Khaki Pants sneers at their fright. Yeah, Barb! You dumb jerk, with your ludicrous fears about serial killers preying on women! Khaki Pants makes an incredibly tone-deaf play for Wendy, who demurs and prepares for bed instead . . . only to be hooked in the hallway by Bloody Face. Jeez, I hope Wendy isn't actually dead. She's the character I most identify with. Who doesn't enjoy sparking up a doob while simultaneously taking a hot shower?

Over at Briarcliff, the maintenance staff follows the grand tradition of asylum lighting and doesn't have a goddamn lightbulb on in the entire place. During room check, Sister Jude and her leering security guard goon discover Lana's painstaking secret notes ("Lies!") stashed in a pillowcase. Hot to erase Lana's memories of all the weird-ass stuff she's already seen, Jude informs Dr. Arden she's changed her mind about electroshock therapy. "I prayed about it," she admits. "When I wasn't praying for you to find a halfway decent haberdasher." Ba-zing! Smack in the goatee with Lange's velvet glove!

For my money, Lana's "treatments" are a genuinely scary turn of events.  Who doesn't shudder at the thought of being imprisoned without recourse, their pleas for mercy unheard, horrible weird rubber things jammed in their screaming mouth? We only catch a glimpse of Lana's post-treatment mental distortion, but even those blurry seconds opens up all sorts of possibilities. If your own mind can be muddled with, then every element of your reality is up for grabs!

Not that everyone agrees with the doctor's practices. Court-ordered psychologist Dr. Oliver Thredson (Zachary Quinto) might only be at Briarcliff to determine if Kit is sane enough to stand trial, but he couldn't help but notice all the canings, beatings and general filthy wetness affecting the Manor's residents. Horrible screams and soiled sheets aside, Kit is an engrossing subject – a murderer who denies killing anyone. "Alma isn't dead," he says of his wife. "That body didn't have a head." Was I the only one who first thought he meant the aliens took his wife's head and were keeping it alive somewhere? I gasped with delight at the suggestion . . . before realizing he just meant the headless body could have belonged to someone else. "After they took her, she was alive," Kit insists. God, wherever Alma is, might that she just be an animate head. Needless to say, it takes Thredson about five minutes to diagnose Kit as totally insane.

Meanwhile, while we already knew that nymphomaniacal Shelly loves to bone ("I have a cucumber in my room. Not because I was hungry," she teases Sister Jude, later declaring, "My mother made me wear mittens to bed"), we soon discover she was institutionalized by her jazz musician husband (what with his cigarettes and his hands!) for sleeping around. Dr. Arden rebuffs Shelly's sexual advances, probably because he was too busy being a grade-A pervert about his crush on Sister Mary Eunice. After taking a lovely stroll in the woods to feed the hell beasts that reside there in secret, he presents Mary Eunice with a beautiful cloisonné jar filled with HORRIBLE BUGS. Just kidding, it's filled with a caramel apple, a caramel apple so obviously drugged, even a woman who would unquestioningly feed forest demons might hesitate before taking a bite.

Back at home, Arden hires a prostitute, cutting up an enormous roast, requiring she dress in a nun's habit and otherwise intimating to the audience that it may have been he who committed the Bloody Face kills. But . . . but my theory! After finding S&M photos, Sister Mary Call Girl is able to escape, hopefully to tell the police about Arden's potential danger to the community. Ha ha, just kidding! This is 1964. They probably would have had Wendy sign her documents too.

How have I gone on so long without discussing the exorcism? Sister Jude and Dr. Thredson reluctantly team up to treat poor Jed, a 35-year-old-looking 17-year-old who has all the symptoms of demon possession: volatility, speaking in tongues, um, tearing out a live cow's heart and eating it in front of his father's horrified eyes. "Good boys gone bad is my area of expertise," Jude smirks, and I die. Thredson is dubious, but the exorcist himself arrives filled with confidence. "A non-believer?" he says. "Good, I like having one in the room. Ups my game." I don't know if people were using the phrase "ups my game" in 1964, but OK. Once the ceremony begins, Sister Jude is forced to leave Thredson, the Monsignor and the exorcist to their work because she's just a woman . . . all the better for the devil to bait her once she returns to pray over Jed.

"It drives you crazy, doesn't it?," the demon-teen hisses as he struggles against his restraints. "To be the smartest person in the room with no real power, because of that smelly clam between your legs?" Heyo! The devil also reveals that Sister Jude was once a brazen harlot who's had "53 cocks in there already," and by "once" I mean "about sixth months ago based on the flashback." We also learn Jude's true secret: she killed a girl while drinking and driving. Jude attacks the boy and Thredson intervenes with actual medical help, but it's too late. Jed dies, the lights flicker and the demon leaps to Sister Mary Eunice, who I look forward to transforming into a brazen hussy and eating bovine organs straight from the source. Maybe now she'll have the confidence to actually find out what the hell is in the woods. Someone tell us!

Meanwhile, you know when you are trapped in an insane asylum but you can't help checking out DAT BOOTY? Lana certainly does, as she ogles Grace's butt as they take some kind of gross, hot therapeutic baths. "You have trouble trusting people," muses Grace, a woman locked up in an insane asylum to Lana, another woman locked in an insane asylum. Lana bitterly tells her about Wendy's document signing before revealing that she knows a way out (Death Chute, y'all!). Grace refuses to escape without Kit, her best friend of one day, but Lana refuses to help an accused woman killer. She . . . knows Grace allegedly chopped up her family, right? 

When the demon leaves Jed's body and causes a power failure (sure, OK), Lana, Grace and Kit have a chance to escape the ward. Instead, Grace screams for the security guards to prevent Kit from going free. As a reward for her actions (and because she is evil), Sister Jude lets Lana watch her cane Grace and Kit. Kit heroically takes on Grace's lashes, and I admired Ryan Murphy's restrain in not showing us the cane actually hitting Evan Peters' ass. Actually, I bet they filmed it and FX just thought it was too much. Ah, well. Maybe on the DVD.

Last episode: Productivity, Prayer and Alien Hands

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'X Factor' Premiere Recap: Britney Spears Makes Her Debut

Britney Spears on 'The X Factor.'September 13, 2012 11:00 AM ET

Greetings, X-Factoids! You can relax now, and blow out your Simon Cowell vigil candles, for your favorite $5 million talent show/freak-fest hath returned. I will be your X-Factotum again on this second season, which has already distinguished itself in the premiere, having jettisoned both previous female judges (Paula who? Nicole huh?) in favor of the potentially stark raving awesome duo of Britney Spears and Demi Lovato. Oh, and the immaculately groomed head of LA Reid is back as well, still making the crossed arm X-gesture, which nobody has yet informed him belongs to Wonder Woman.

So far, the dynamic between the new intake and the other judges is harmonious. Perhaps a little too much so: they all agree on just about everything. Demi and Britney seem on their way to intergenerational bestie-hood, and there's nary a hint of the Simon vs. LA smackdowns of yore. Simon has even oddly taken on the role of Demi's romantic consigliore, chiding her to stay away from one of the members of One Direction (the cute one, I think his name is Up.) Surely, we will eventually look back on this period as "the calm before all of those hurricanes."

A singing reality competition show is only as good as its singing reality competitors, though, so let's see what the cities of Austin, San Francisco and Providence have coughed up so far.

The Real Deal
Rihanna look-alike Paige Thomas has an adorable daughter and a hot pink shirt with epaulettes, so we like her already. "I'm Goin' Down" sounded pretty natural pouring out of her, although sometimes it's hard to distinguish oneself with a song like that on a show like this. All the judges adored her to begin with, but then her daughter made a carefully coordinated run to the stage with a little bow in her hair, and you could clearly see a quartet of melted judge-hearts.

Reed Deming has the manufactured affect and face-swept hair of a cog in the pop star machine, which means he'll do fine on this show. The 13-year-old chipmunk was a little too nervous at the start of his Bruno Mars song, "It Will Rain," and Simon stopped him less than a minute in, asking him to switch to another song – a spare, piano-driven version of "Grenade," on which he acquit himself admirably. The Bieber comparisons were non-stop, and he deflected them thus: "I don't want to fall into that Bieber stereotype. I gotta be me." OK, kid: tell that to every single thing about you.

A pleasant late-episode surprise was Jennel Garcia, a teenager who cites Pat Benatar as an influence. (God bless her.) Jennel sang Grace Potter and the Nocturnals' "Paris (Ooh La La)" like she meant business. The camera kept cutting over to her mom as Garcia was singing about being down on the floor, which was uncomfortable, but the girl just radiates confidence and swiveled hips. The judges loved her and so do you.

Demi found a kindred spirit in Jillian Jensen, a 19-year-old with a microphone tattooed on her shoulder blade, who reveals that she was bullied growing up and has a lot of feelings about it. (There's a backstory here, and we're assumed to know it, but for those who don't: Demi was bullied for being fat at age eight and had a decade-long eating disorder because of it.) Jillian has a deep, husky voice beyond her years, almost hoarse, and she breaks down in tears by the end of "Who You Are." Of course, Demi went on stage and hugged her, and of course, I felt like doing same.

Kinda Meh
With his hot pink lipstick, wedding train and booty shorts, could cake decorator Quatrele Da'an Smith have sung anything other than "Born This Way?" He didn't sound terrible, but I couldn't help feel the judges gave him a pass because they liked the fact that he exists, rather than his singing. (LA was the only one to give the sensible "no.")

Vincent Thomas didn't seem even mildly embarrassed to have been in a boy band in Europe at one point, and he kept saying the words 'boy band' over and over. He committed the cardinal sin of dispensing supposed wisdom to the guys sitting next to him before stepping onstage, so we know that he's not going to make it. His voice should have yellow lines around it, because it's the middle of the road. (Oh, snap?)

The guys Vincent was giving his ill-considered advice to were Emblem3, a trio of sun-baked high school California bros who sang a half-rapped original ode to their home state. The crowd went bonkers, and the judges seemed impressed, which seems insane to me. If you could imagine a much less dangerous Gym Class Heroes, it would be these dudes – and that's saying something.

The saddest moment of the night belonged to future stalker Don Philip, the utterly unhinged, tear-streaked Gob Bluth clone who apparently sang a duet with Spears once and never got over it. Here he sang "Halo" and it's clear that his voice is kind of shot. Britney had to be the one to discourage his dream, and it was like watching Timmy put down Lassie.

Total Jackasses
Kaci Newton was immediately set up as an over-the-top villainess. We hear the blonde Texan talking trash about Paige, but oddly not in an interview. We're meant to have overheard this. She has a Southern Mean Girls thing going on, with over the top boasting about wanting to be as big as Michael Jackson. On stage, though, she sounded like a Kristen Wiig character singing Katy Perry at the discount opera house or something. The judges unceremoniously ripped her a new one.

On his way to the stage, 50-year-old Shawn Armenta looked like he's checking for tails, which he should be, because his original song is pervy enough to sound 1,000 Amber alerts. It's called "Candy Girl," and it's about "the sweet girls you meet at a local bar." He also danced like he was guiding in a plane. Britney finally asked who let him on stage, which was a very good question, except that if there weren't a couple cartoonishly awful auditions like Shawn each year, someone would totally get fired.

We didn't hear Saane Dakunivosa sing one note before we know she's a total joke. We just intuit it from the half a bouquet of flowers on her shoulder, her very long shout out to the Bay Area and the fact that she's listed as "unemployed," rather than a student. When someone is introduced as unemployed on shows like these, unless it's part of a heartbreaking story, it's a sure sign of a fruitcake.

Finally, the vaguely Ron Jeremy-esque Charles Spangler (also unemployed) gave his age as "57 and 7" and looks every ounce of it. His face is as red as the devil's backside. When he's not barking like a dog on Soft Cell's "Tainted Love," in between "got to" and "run away," he sounds like Tom Waits' cousin who doesn't quite smoke as many cigarettes but is still a bridge troll.

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'Louie' Recap: Talk Show Hosts

What happens to the veteran comics who don't make it? Or the ones who do, but never reach the tipping point where their star goes supernova? One piece of career advice that comedians and other performers often receive is not to have a Plan B, forcing them to work at their craft as though their very lives depend on it (because with no In Case of Emergency plan, they kind of do). Unfortunately, when your Plan A is in the entertainment industry and you don't make it all the way, there's no dignified retirement package. And that's when things get pretty scary.

"You're on the back nine of your career," the (fictional) chairman of CBS tells 44-year old Louie on last night's episode. "Except for once in a while getting an hour special on cable, I think maybe you peaked five years ago, and now you're waiting around wondering if something's gonna happen before it gets embarrassing." Later he adds, "In 10 years, you're going to be teaching comedy at a community college to support your kids."

This is the fate that Louis C.K. might have been facing in real life if he hadn't undergone a mid-to-late career renaissance four or five years ago, becoming arguably the most relevant and respected comedian working today – a trailblazer who gets TV deals and distribution models named after him. We won't be seeing C.K. teaching comedy at community college any time soon, but it is an interesting thought exercise to realize it might have gone that way. Last night's episode was a stark reminder that the show takes place in a world where that hasn't happened yet, and where it isn't by any means a foregone conclusion.

Here are the most uncomfortable moments:

1) We open with a lingering shot of the marquee at the Improv in L.A. Carlos Mencia and Bill Burr are two of the names performing there soon besides Louie. The reason Louie's out of his Comedy Cellar comfort zone turns out to be he has a gig on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Ross Mark, Leno's producer (playing himself here), has compliments for Louie's set at the Improv afterward, but then he clues the comic in to the fact that he might get bumped. Tom Cruise is the featured guest on Louie's episode, and Jay is surprising him with a motorcycle.

We're all aware of Louie's stature in the comedy community at this point. He's got it. It's his time. It has been for years now, and his trajectory is still steadily rise-over-run. It takes a bit of cognitive dissonance, then, to imagine him sweating the idea of getting bumped from The Tonight Show, as he does here. This show consistently plays with the dual realities of the character vs. its star, however, so it's easy to go along for this ride.

2) After we're set up to believe this episode is going to hinge on whether Louie gets bumped by Tom Cruise or not, the show goes in a completely different direction, something that should feel familiar from, I don't know, every episode, pretty much. It turns out Cruise isn't going to be on the show. We get a brief glimpse into the Hollywood window when a cameo-ing Leno shushes Ross Mark for revealing that the reason Cruise isn't coming on the show is because he hates surprises. With Cruise gone, though, Louie has to step up and sit on the couch, rather than do the four-minute set Ross approved the previous night.

When Louie sounds uncertain if he's ready, Leno offers, "You're a comic. Ever flown on an airplane? You got airplane stories." This is a direct reference to the "Everything's Amazing and Nobody's Happy" bit the comic actually told on Conan in 2009. The YouTube clip of that couch segment went viral, amassing well over six million hits – something we find out is about to be mirrored on the show. Before that can happen, though, we see an image of Louie backstage being poked and prodded by hair and makeup working at DEFCON 1 to get him ready for air during Leno's introduction, and he couldn't look more worried.

3) The next morning, housekeeping wakes him up by calling to inquire if Louie wants their services, even though he had a Do Not Disturb sign out. "This is the opposite of what you're supposed to do," he says. It's an awkward facet of modern redundancy that feels like something Louie (either in the show or in real life) might talk about onstage.

4) Now awake, Louie has several missed calls from his boy-agent, Doug. The Leno appearance went viral, just like the bit did in real life. Louis C.K. has mined a lot of material from his real-life for the show before, from the Dane Cook beef to the recent Marc Maron moment, and those are only some of the things we know about! Maybe Melissa Leo really did force him to go down on her one time – we'll never know. Anyway, now Louie has a meeting at CBS in an hour, which, as the comic points out in an aside, doesn't even leave him time to jerk off.

The last time on the show that Louie had a shot to tell Hollywood his ideas, it was in season two's "Ellie" episode, wherein a creative executive liked what she heard from Louie, until he actually pitched his movie ideas. Perhaps this time he'll learn only to proffer ideas that aren't so bleak. (In the Ellie episode, he spoke of a movie premise, wherein a man starts out with almost nothing, and then loses the almost.)

When Louie and his agent are nervously awaiting entry into an unspecified office for the sudden meeting, it occurs to both that they have no idea who they are there to see. When Doug the agent asks the executive assistant whose office it is, she completely ignores him and then he and Louie just have to sort of sit there, stewing, and take it. Young actor Edward Gelbinovich deserves a special shout-out here for his portrayal of Doug, with his Milhouse Van Houten glasses-and-brows combo. He takes a lot of abuse this episode and gets to flex his particular brand of Panic Face multiple times.

5) Inside the office, finally, it turns out they are there to see the chairman of CBS, beautifully played by Garry Marshall, who's still got it. The unnamed chairman, after making Louie and Doug sign confidentiality agreements, reveals that David Letterman is retiring and his job is up for grabs, and that Louie has a shot at it. This is amazing news, obviously, but in the course of explaining why Louie might be right for the job, Marshall's chairman also dwells a lot on what else he might have going on in his life. As mentioned in the opening of this recap, he brutally assesses the alternative history of Louie in the most gloomy way possible: "You're circling failure in a rapidly decaying orbit." Since last night's episode was the first of a three-parter, we'll have to wait until next week to see whether this shot at the Letterman spot takes place within that failure-orbit or not.

Last week: Desperately Seeking Louie

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'Snooki & JWoww' Recap: Three Gay Joeys and a Fake Baby

News that the sixth season of Jersey Shore will be its last has me pondering the nature of reality TV, or at least the kind of reality TV where no competes for anything. What is that sweet spot in our brains' pleasure centers that revels in the combination of mockery and delight, revulsion and empathy, and how did Jersey Shore cater to it so well? How is Here Comes Honey Boo Boo currently satiating that same desire, so much so that it got better ratings than the RNC? And, most importantly, I'm not the only one who had that same amazing feeling when we saw Gay Joey throw up into the couch cushions last night, right? It's like love, I think. You can't control who you reality TV with. It's outof your hands.

But I get ahead of myself. Jersey Shore might be journeying to Valinor this fall, but Snooki & JWoww is still kicking, unlike the creepy, heavy plastic babies JWoww orders as a form of practice for Nicole. "I hear it's the best thing for practicing pregnancy or abstinence. It's a little late for that one," JWoww declared. Whatever else I think about her, she really went to bat trying to get Snooki a tan baby doll and for that I commend her. "Some sort of off-white. Half Spanish?" she inquires. "You could probably paint your baby if you wanted to," the customer service rep mused. This seems like a real opportunity to expand your customer base!

Once it's inside the house, Snooki approaches the doll, with its Darth Vader respiration and startling baby wiener, with the same curious disgust you might have for, well, a fake baby. That baby ain't right. "What is the noise? Are you alive?," she asks it tentatively. Just like a real infant, the fake baby gives you two minutes to figure out which of its four needs must be met before it loses its shit. "It doesn't have any facial expressions," JWoww cringes as the twin robots start to wail. Oh, did I not mention she got one too? That night Snooki is kept awake by a screaming automaton, unable to soothe it with a fake bottle or a fake diaper change or the two other things a baby might need, I'm not the one to ask.

I wish we could have seen Snooki interact with some actual babies at some point, but I'll settle for tiny pink-and-purple tip-dyed dogs. "They're like Skittles," Snooki coos as they pick up JWoww's newly florescent pooches. I'm assuming the only reason the dogs aren’t leopard print is because it's very difficult to paint spots on a little, squirming animal. I guess what I'm saying is, it would have been nice to see them try.

Despite the fact that they are chained to cyborg offspring for the foreseeable future, the girls invite over the three Gay Joeys for Gay Joey-palooza. You've got a twink, an otter and a bear. While two of the Joeys are friends of Snooki and JWoww, the otter Joey is just the guy from the dog grooming place, right? Perfection. "Oh my God, do I have to bring this thing to the gay bar?" JWoww asks. You know this is TV because none of the Joeys got drunk and stuffed the babies into their messenger bags, even after they started screaming and howling. Instead the Joeys drunkenly helped Snooki change its not-real diaper, pushing its little pointless stroller down the street even as they struggle to stay upright. "There's nothing better than hanging out with your gay friends at a gay bar with a fake baby," JWoww confirms. It's like the saying goes: one Joey is silver, and the other's gold.

Back at the ranch, the littlest Joey barfs between the back of the couch and the cushions, and then continues to hork in the sink as everyone else laughs maniacally and the babies cry on. If Jersey Shore's only legacy is readying the world for a 20-year-old gay male Snooki to get his own spinoff, they should consider the whole experiment a success. Oh, I guess they also made millions upon millions of dollars. You can probably consider that evidence of a success, too. I honestly laughed out loud at how little Jionni cared about Snooki's fake baby, which makes sense, seeing as how they were busy taking her real offspring to the gyno to find out its sex, a visit which prompted this exchange:

JWoww: "Did you wash your vagina?"
Snooki: "He's not going up there."
JWoww: "Yeah, but just in case?"

You could tell Jionni wanted to slap that little plastic appliance out of Snooki's hands, but they both melted when they found her fetus was a boy. "The wiener?" Jionni crowed as the doctor pointed to a shadow on the ultrasound. "Yeah, I think so," the nicest doctor in the world replied. "I can say your son has a nice penis!" JWoww insisted to an adorably horrified Snooki. Knowing that they eventually named the baby Lorenzo made the fact that Snooki called the fake baby Lorenzo kind of off-putting. But who knows! When we look back on their respective careers, perhaps we'll realize that Jersey Shore was the fake baby that came before. Maybe Snooki & JWoww is the real Lorenzo. No, you're right. I'm being an idiot. Three Gay Joeys & a Baby is clearly the real Lorenzo.

Last week: The Only Thing You're Winning at Is Losing Me

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'True Blood' Season Finale Recap: The Rapture

Stephen Moyer as Bill Compton in 'True Blood.'

We knew it would be tough topping Tara getting shot in the head, but the True Blood writers have done it again, with last night's season finale supporting Sam Trammell's claim that this was the best cliffhanger yet. Here's my question though: The old Lilith was pretty boring, her vocabulary limited to little more than the phrase "I choose you." Will this new vampire god at least continue bloviating in that syrupy-sweet Louisiana accent of his, peppering his speech with "Sookeh!"? Because if that version of Bill is gone for good then a big piece of this series has died along with him.

As expected, the death toll was high in "Save Yourself," but this being True Blood, there is little time to mourn the lost – even in the case of Russell, whose campy, playful and utterly maniacal presence will sorely be missed. He was staked in order to make way for what will undeniably be Season Six's villain, the vampire god I can only call "Billith."

True Blood has always ended its seasons with a handful of plot lines either unresolved or newly introduced, but this particular season finale has left almost all the characters knee-deep in conflict, with summer 2013 feeling like a lifetime away. However, for those frustrated by the seemingly forgotten-about plot involving M. Warlow, fear not: HBO GO is offering a sneak peek of Season Six, and it turns out Nora is familiar with the mysterious vampire who cut a deal with Sookie and Jason's ancestor 300 years ago.

Vampires, Humans and Shifters

Now that Russell has devoured the Fairy Elder, Sookie and her brethren are no longer invisible to the still-hungry vampire. Firing on all cylinders, the fairies blast Russell with light power, although Sookie isn't much use to them, with her "microwave fingers" shorting out every few seconds. No matter, because the fairies aren't making a dent in Russell's resistance anyway. But who needs light power when your fear can summon a vampire with an ancient grudge? Before the credits have rolled, Russell Edgington is dead at the hands of Eric, who is almost giddy over avenging his Viking family's murder: "That felt even better than I thought it would." Steve, heartbroken over his lost love, zips away, not to be seen again for the rest of the episode – kind of.

 It's easy to dust yourself off from a light power/staking battle like this one if you're vampire, fairy or part-fairy, but if you're a mere human like Jason, you're going to suffer some side effects. In the case of Sookie's brother, who was caught in the Russell/Fairy Elder crossfire at the end of last week's episode, he's now suffering from some nasty hallucinations – namely, the ghosts of Corbett and Michelle Stackhouse.

Back at Authority headquarters, Sam (who gave the wardrobe department one less person to dress for the final two episodes of the season) has a brief audience with Bill, having volunteered to be his "breakfast," but his attempts to reason with Sookie's now completely cuckoo ex are only met with fangs. It's a good thing Sam can shift into a fly – not only because it allowed him to get away, but because Bill jumping on chandeliers in an effort to catch him was one of the episode's unintentionally comedic high points. After taking a quick loop around Steve and Russell's bedroom, Sam makes it back to Luna in her jail cell, with a crafty plan in hand.

Sookie takes Jason back to her house to decompress, but Corbett and Michelle's near-constant vampire trash-talk is having its intended effect on their son. By the time Eric, Nora and Tara (the vampire sibs made a pit stop at Fangtasia, where Tara brought them up to speed on Pam) burst into the house seeking Sookie's help to break Jessica and Pam out of the Authority – and get Bill to drop his cult-leader behavior – Jason is showing signs of becoming the newest incarnation of an anti-supernatural hatemonger. Despite her brother's protestations, Sookie agrees to help the vampires, because, as Tara reminds her twice, with plenty of hostility in her voice (yeah, she's not ready to reconcile with her best friend just yet), "You. Owe. Pam." That and Eric promises to transfer ownership of the house back to Sookie within 24 hours. Where did that come from? Killing Russell? Eric's gentle demeanor this episode was very Season Four, which of course means it won't last. Sigh.

A power-suited Steve enters the Authority prison area to collect wolf cub Emma for a walk. But he seems twitchy, nervous – and as Chelsea, the young marketing-student vampire receptionist notices, suddenly devoid of his Southern accent. That's because it's a skinwalking Luna, who is about to exit the Authority with her daughter in her arms and her boyfriend (still a fly) on her shoulder when she's stopped by an agitated Rosalyn. That video of Steve and Russell draining 22 frat boys wound up going viral after all and now Rosalyn needs the AVL spokesman to do damage control on a news broadcast. "Steve" is ushered into a small room with a camera, and within seconds Luna has the attention of the entire nation. But the message that comes across is that not only do vampires exist, but shape-shifters as well. Luna-as-Steve, unable to hold her shift any longer, begins vomiting black blood before reverting back to her natural appearance. She also announces to the world that the Authority vampires are keeping humans as food in an underground bunker in New Orleans, which most likely will trigger a human uprising come Season Six. Just as Rosalyn is about to feed on Luna, a fly enters the vampire's mouth, causing her eyes to pop out and blood to spurt from her face before she explodes, leaving nothing but a goo-covered, naked Sam in her wake. Luna, her body ravaged from skinwalking – but Emma safe in her arms – begins passing out, the camera cutting away before we learn if she met the same fate as Tommy Mickens. Will Season Six find Sam a single stepdad?

Eric and Nora gain clearance from Bill back into the Authority, with a bound-and-gagged Jason, Tara and Sookie in the back of Jason's truck posing as their prisoners. Once in the elevator, the five gear up with stakes and guns, with Jason, dressed like a cat burglar and rocking a "Time for tolerance is over" attitude, out for the kill. They jam the surveillance feed, and upon entry, sharpshooter Jason makes a clean sweep of every vampire security guard, with Nora and Eric finishing off the rest by descending Mission: Impossible-style (without wires – remember, they can fly). Their path clear, Sookie and Tara bust Jessica and Pam out of their cells, leading up to the hottest kiss all season – between Tara and Pam! (Sookie's reaction: "Oh, OK." Jessica, who totally called this last week: "I knew it!") But it's not a happy reunion for everyone. When Jess sees Jason in the Authority lobby, she runs into his arms and proclaims her love for him, but he's so far gone in his own extremist beliefs now that he doesn't even reciprocate her hug. "I can't ever love a vampire," he states matter-of-factly. Jess is crushed – and so are we. This girl has to meet someone new next season, please? Maybe a vampire this time? Before she becomes as hardened and bitter as Pam? Once Eric and Nora reappear, the gang is ushered back into the elevator, which is headed up to the safety of the roof. Only Eric and Sookie stay behind, in their last-ditch effort to save Bill.

One of the reasons why everyone has actually managed to escape is because Bill, who petulantly established himself as the "chosen one" last week (beheading Kibwe, smacking Jessica) has been too busy tricking Salomé into thinking that she is the new prophet. Dressed in angelic white, Salomé drinks the entire vial of Lilith's blood, but begins to violently contort on the carpet. Bill, his humanity forever a memory, sits at her side, and calmly and smugly begins to explain how he outsmarted her. Her narcissism allowed her to be both blind to the idea of anyone else being the chosen one, and so impatient for what she believed to be the Rapture that she didn't even smell the blood she drank. It was not Lilith's blood, and furthermore, it was blood laced with silver. Salomé concedes to her rival just before he stakes her, "Lilith chose wisely."

Right before Bill drinks down Lilith's actual blood, Eric and Sookie show up to combat his message of hate with one of love. But it's unlikely the most skilled de-programmer could jolt Bill out of his zealotry. The tirade of venom that Bill unleashes onto Sookie, culminating in his calling her an "abomination," is enough to cause even Eric to wince. (While in their jail cell, Jess mentioned to Pam that the Vampire Bible considers Sookie an abomination. The question is, why? Because she's half-fairy, half-human?) To Bill, this religious fervor is the release from the century-plus of torment and guilt he has carried with him. He believes that Lilith has freed him from an eternity of fear. Sookie, bawling over the loss of the man she loved (again), tries one more time to remind Bill of what they once shared: "If I ever, meant anything to you at all . . ." But Bill cuts her off, destroying any vestiges of their love for good: "I told you, the first night we met, vampires often turn on those they love the most."

Bill swallows Lilith's blood, while Sookie, Eric and the rest of us watch in horror as blood shoots out of his eyes and mouth – and the 175-year-old vampire explodes into a pile of goo. For a handful of seconds, as Eric comforts a shattered Sookie, we're forced to envision a True Blood without Bill Compton (which is just weird). And that's when Eric notices Bill's entrails are still moving. Suddenly, a blood-soaked Bill rises from the puddle, and a new vampire god is born. "Billith" brandishes his fangs, and Eric and Sookie bolt.

I think it's safe to say that we're all on Team Eric now, no?

Favorite Couple: How could it be anyone other than Tara and Pam? They've gone from mortal enemies to unwitting maker and progeny to willing lovers in the span of one week. Let's hope they'll find the time in between the Billith madness to go on some vampire dates next season. In their geisha dresses.

Winning Species: Fairies. Other than their pre-credits cameo, the fairies took a backseat to the action in this episode. Except for Maurella, who popped out four daughters (and sported a completely flat stomach after the deed) while visiting Andy at Merlotte's – and then left them to be raised by their father and ostensibly, Holly, who only had these words for her fairy-humping beau: "You're a dick." Between Andy's fairy babies, Sookie's fading light power and the unresolved M. Warlow story line, these supes aren't going anywhere next season.

Losing Species: Werewolves. Ever since Alcide's thwarted boots-knocking with Sookie, the werewolf plot lines have remained completely disconnected from the rest of the story – unless you're named Emma. In short, to level the playing field with the malicious J.D., Alcide took a shot of V (courtesy of his father, the T-1000-erm, I mean, Jackson), broke J.D.'s neck, and took his rightful place as Shreveport packmaster, ordering all wolves to respect one another and not take advantage of those younger and weaker. Great. What's that got to do with the Bon Temps crew?

Previously: Game Time

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