'Celebrity Apprentice' Recap: It's Rough For Rockers

La Toya Jackson, Brande Roderick and Claudia Jordan on 'Celebrity Apprentice.'

Every rose has its thorn. And every reality competition has no use for former winners-turned-repeat-contestants. Such was the lesson learned from last week's season premiere of Celebrity Apprentice, during which former champion and purveyor of monogrammed cowboy hats Bret Michaels was promptly given the pink slip by Donald Trump and sent on his color contact-wearing way.

So it is that week's episode kicks off with board room survivors Brande Roderick and La Toya Jackson returning to a delighted suite of fellow contestants, none happier than Michaels' devilish former teammate, Omarosa. "My wish came true!" she exclaims, trying her damnedest to portray herself as cold-hearted. "Deuces, Bret!"

There's little time to celebrate: Trump interrupts the party to inform the teams that they're soon boarding his Boeing 757 jet ("You know, if you have a plane like that, you can have any woman in the world," he'll later enlighten us) and flying down to Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida for their next task. Without knowing what exactly they'll be doing, the teams must select project managers. Dee Snider and Omarosa man up, respectively. (We also learn that Trace Adkins will be unable to participate this week; apparently a cruise with Blake Shelton takes precedence.)

Q&A: Donald Trump on 'Celebrity Apprentice,' Guns and Romney's Failings

OK, so what's the task? The teams will be creating a "photo experience" at the theme park. The winning project manager will notch $20K for his or her charity. For the time being, all Omarosa's team can think about is the forthcoming drama awaiting them with her at the helm . "You don't have to worry about me backstabbing," Omarosa insists. "I'll come from the front!"

Once on the ground, both teams set out to work. Omarosa says she wants to treat the task as if her team were an ad agency promoting Universal; Snider takes the Universal executive's advice and says he plans to follow the mantra of creating "memorable experiences."

Omarosa's team ultimately decides to construct a three-part photo booth of sorts, with each "room" in the booth featuring a specific Universal brand (Harry Potter, Spiderman, Despicable Me). Lil Jon, Jackson and Roderick venture out to snap pictures throughout the park. Dennis Rodman stays back with Omarosa, who is keeping herself busy demeaning her team's hired hands.

Meanwhile, Snider finds himself succumbing to Penn Jillette's suggestion to create a 3D illusion for the photo experience. ("He got sucked into Penn's illusion," teammate Stephen Baldwin says of Snider.) Eventually, the Twisted Sister singer grows a pair and dismisses Jillette's over-the-top proposal, instead opting to construct cutouts of him and his team members posing like goofballs. "We're all pretty bright people," Snider says minutes after Gary Busey makes it obvious he's never before used a digital camera. "Very sweet," Marilu Henner says describing teammate Busey. "But so irritating."

The next morning, both teams arrive at the park; their "experiences" are now constructed and ready for action. "I'm a visionary and a leader," Omarosa says to no one in particular, reflecting on her self-proclaimed project-managing genius. Theme-park guests file into both teams' exhibits, snap pictures, let Busey creepily tickle them and watch as Trump's two sons and the Universal executives awkwardly feign excitement. Nothing's for certain, but Omarosa's team's display appears far superior.

Now we're back in the board room. Henner tells Trump that Busey was nothing short of a nuisance to their team. Omarosa says Rodman basically stood around and did jack. There's a bunch of the usual catty chit-chat (Claudia Jordan says teammate Omarosa is nasty . . . but dammit, she respects her) as Trump tells the celebrities how great they are. Let's get the results: Trump informs Snider that the Universal executives thought his team's exhibit was sorely lacking in creativity. So, as we predicted, Omarosa's team notches the win.

Wait, was it that, you say? Is that Omarosa balling hysterically simply because her team won a Celebrity Apprentice challenge? Well, apparently she's also overjoyed that she can now donate money to the charity of her late fiancé, Michael Clark Duncan. Rodman isn't sold. "That's so Oscar-worthy acting," the first North Korean diplomat with a lip ring says.

Obviously someone from Snider's team must now be fired. The team's ideas for the task were all Snider's. Then again, Jillette didn't exactly press hard for his original, far more creative concept. But after fake-firing Jillette ("I was already halfway to the elevator," the magician says with a laugh), Snider opts to bring back Busey and Baldwin with him to the board room to face elimination. (The former, Snider says, has "limited capabilities" and the latter is "shady.") Quickly, though, it becomes apparent that Snider is prepared to fall on his own sword this go-round. "Dee, I don't want to fire you," Trump says, "but Dee, you're fired!"

"I didn't expect to see you so soon," Snider tells the Trump Tower elevator attendant as he makes his exit, and with it signaling two episodes in the can and two rockers sent packing.

Last Episode: The Meatball-Hawking All-Stars

To read the new issue of Rolling Stone online, plus the entire RS archive: Click Here

Electronics Review Center

Read more »

'Celebrity Apprentice' Recap: Extreme Couponing

Paul Teutul Sr. on 'The Celebrity Apprentice.'

Remember a few weeks back when we unequivocally believed that both teams loved the hell out of each other? Yeah, well, how quickly things can change, especially when you're dealing with self-obsessed semi-celebs. When we left off, Arsenio Hall had just gone batshit crazy on Aubrey O'Day in the board room. This caused her to storm off, putting her future on the show in jeopardy.

When we resume this week, Hall is still fuming. And he's pulling no verbal punches. "I've had to suck it all up and let a bitch treat me like shit," he yells to his teammates and anyone else who's willing to listen. "Fuck that whore!" Whoa! Take it easy there, buddy! It's just an overrated reality show.

Of course, Lisa Lampanelli is having none of this. She berates Hall and says he better lay off that sort of misogynistic language. Her anger is only further exacerbated when Dayana Mendoza and Lou Ferrigno return from the board room – Lampanelli knows she's now stuck with the two of them. "You're both fucking useless," she says. (Side note: Paul Teutul Sr., the unsung hero of this season, is seen munching on strawberries amid all the chaos.)

After Hall informs Magic Johnson (via video-chat) that he's won $50K for the former basketball star and new L.A. Dodger owner's charity, the contestants appear before Mr. Trump to receive their next task. But wait? Who is that redheaded creature? Ah, yes. It's Aubrey O'Day. It seems she's put her tiff with Hall behind her for charity.

This week’s task? Both teams must create a 60-second commercial promoting Entertainment.com (it's that company that makes those coupon books your mom loves). Without consulting her team, Mendoza volunteers to be project manager; Teresa Giudice, with her team’s approval, will lead the other squad.

Both teams start brainstorming. Giudice's team decides to go with a commercial that plays off – what else? – sex. Essentially, the premise of the spot will be that a dad, Teutul Sr. – easily capturing the episode by losing the tough-guy shtick and dressing like the suburban stiff most men aged 20-30 will soon become: parted hair, bright green sweater, Hair Club for Men-dyed mustache, etc. – thinks he hears his daughter (O'Day) and her boyfriend (randomly-hired actor dude) going at it in her bedroom. Really, though, they're just checking out Entertainment.com's new mobile app. (Very believable, indeed.) In the commercial, O'Day utters such lovely lines as "Here, take it in your hand" and "So you just have to move your hand up and down?" So, at least there's that.

The other team, led by Mendoza, learns they'll be undermanned; Penn Jillette has to leave later in the day for a magic gig. Lampanelli is pissed. Mendoza’s team decides to go with a commercial centered on a relationship fueled by a couple's love of Entertainment.com (this is weird, creepy and amazing all at once). Ferrigno is upset that the team wants to use hired actors instead of their team members. After all, isn't he qualified to act? I mean, c'mon guys, this is THE Hulk. His team couldn't care less. They view Ferrigno as a walking cinder block.

Back on the sex-commercial team’s side, things are going smoothly, although O'Day does steal the spotlight when project consultant Ivanka Trump pays a visit. Nonetheless O’Day, per usual, has fun criticizing others: she finds Giudice's directorial skills amusingly awful. "Watching Teresa direct is painful," she says, referring to her project manager as a "puppet baby."

After filming is complete, Clay Aiken and Hall hit the editing room; O'Day soon comes in and offers last-minute suggestions for change. Aiken concisely sums up her position. "Aubrey's biggest talent is covering her ass," the ginger-mopped singer says.

Now sans Jillette, Mendoza's team starts shooting their commercial. Shockingly, Lampanelli is jelling with Mendoza, her usual nemesis. "Maybe Dayana is more than a pretty face," Lampanelli admits. Ferrigno, perpetually in the shadows, tries to offer some directorial suggestions to Mendoza, who quickly dismisses him. This prompts Ferrigno, now feeling slighted, to say he doesn't like the commercial.

Both teams present their ads to the Entertainment.com executives and then head to the board room. Mendoza's team – especially Lampanelli – feel Ferrigno was as effective as a rotting corpse. "Get ready for an elevator ride, Lou," Lampanelli says. Ferrigno doesn't like this . . . at all. "If you were a man, I would have thrown you through a window," he says. Umm, Lou. Probably not the right thing to say on network TV, buddy.

Teresa's team is much more lovey-dovey. Although eventually the truth comes out that Giudice felt O'Day, as ever, overstepped her role. "You are very polarizing," Ivanka Trump says to O'Day.  Trump plays both teams’ videos for the other to see. Ferrigno, when asked what he thought of the other team's video, admits he likes it better. Oh, snap! Lampanelli is now calling him Benedict Arnold. Hell, even Trump thinks Ferrigno should have just shut his yap and stuck by his team’s side.

So who won? Teresa's team. Apparently, the Entertainment.com execs think Mendoza's team's commercial was a bit bland.

Mendoza decides to give Jillette a free pass and Trump excuses him from the board room. With only Mendoza, Lampanelli and Ferrigno left, all signs point to Ferrigno getting the ax. "I don't think he has much to add other than brawn," Lampanelli says, refraining from further tearing him a new one. Ferrigno, as always, says he gave "110 percent" (where exactly does that extra 10 percent come from, Lou?). But feeling that Ferrigno was disloyal to his team in the board room, Trump has no choice but to let him go. Lou is fired. But wait? Ferrigno begs Trump to change his mind. Nope. Lou's gone. Nice try.

With the contestants gone, Donald Trump Jr. turns to his father to state his agreement with daddy’s decision. "We all heard from you growing up that loyalty is everything," Trump Jr. says. Trump? Loyalty? What a show!

NEXT WEEK: Hold on! It's the toughest task EVER! Oh, never mind: it's a puppet show. On the bright side, Lisa is still going apeshit.

Last episode: Take a Walk

To read the new issue of Rolling Stone online, plus the entire RS archive: Click Here

Amazon Music and MP3 Center

Read more »

'Celebrity Apprentice' Recap: Take a Walk

Lou Ferrigno hands out pamphlets on 'The Celebrity Apprentice.'

What's that you say? Two hours of B-level reality TV just won't suffice? Yes, Celebrity Apprentice was on for THREE hours last night. What, besides watching this show, could you do in three hours time? Well, a lot. But on to the recap!

In the preview of this week’s episode, we were promised two firings and someone voluntarily leaving the show. When we left off, Patricia Velasquez had just gotten the ax. But not everyone agrees with the decision. "The person that should have gotten fired tonight is Dayana,” Aubrey O'Day says of model Dayana Mendoza. Perhaps Debbie Gibson best sums up the current state of the women's squad: "We have an emotionally-charged, dysfunctional team."

As always, last week's winning project manager – in this case, Clay Aiken – delivers a check to a charity: $50K going to the Natural Inclusion Project, and Aiken looks thoroughly in his element being nice.

This week's task? Both teams must design a guide to New York and then sell it on the street. A "special celebrity judge" will decide which team has the best pamphlet. Really, though, it's all about the money -- yet another instance of simply seeing which team has friends with deeper pockets. Whichever team brings in more cash wins.

Teresa Giudice is PM for the women; Dee Snider takes the lead for the men. Making the pamphlets is a fairly straightforward process for both teams. The men go on the roof of Trump Tower and take goofy-looking pictures highlighting specific NYC neighborhoods, an idea conceived by Penn Jillette. Aiken thinks Snider is drinking the Jillette Kool-Aid. "I don't know if it's his entire head," Aiken says of Snider, "but at least Dee's forehead is up Penn's ass!"

The women, meanwhile, head out on location to take pictures at specific places. Lisa Lampanelli, never one to mince words, is already frustrated with her teammates. "There's no way they know how much I hate them right now!" she says. (Oh, but we do Lisa. We do.) Later, when Lampanelli is working with a graphic designer on the pamphlet, she lashes out at Mendoza. "Develop a talent and a brain and then maybe the world will take you seriously!" Lampanelli yells.

Both teams are in full fundraising mode when they hit the street the next morning to hawk their pamphlets. Big donors come out for both teams: Former contestant Michael Andretti drops off $20K to the men, and Blue Man Group show up, fill a balloon with cash, and explode it on the street. The team can't collect all the money, and random people begin snatching up the dough – to which we see images of what a strip club stage must look like after a rapper makes it rain. Arsenio Hall is quite upset – Jay Leno had promised to send over a blank check, but it arrives too late. On the women’s side, Jeff Foxworthy donates $5K, Giudice's husband drops by with big bucks and Mendoza also snags some big donors. Things look good for both squads.

We now learn Regis Philbin is the aforementioned "celebrity guest judge," set to pick his favorite pamphlet. In the boardroom, things instantly get juicy: Lampanelli calls out nearly everyone on her team, and Giudice tells Gibson her shirt is too low-cut. The men, per usual, don't have much to say about one another.

Trump reveals the results. Philbin picked the women's pamphlet as the winner, so they get $35K from Toshiba to add to their total. But it doesn’t matter: the men edge out the women by a mere $14 with a grand total of $162,869. Giudice, now as the losing PM, brings back Mendoza and Gibson to the boardroom. She thinks the former is weak and the latter only occasionally delivers. When all three are back in the boardroom, Giudice says Gibson is only talented "in singing . . . maybe." Trump explains that Giudice made a mistake by not bringing O'Day back to the boardroom – she was the one who raised the least amount of money. But Trump has to work with the options to which he’s presented. To that end, he proceeds to can Gibson. Afterwards, the Eighties pop star is sad, but still confident. "Mr. Trump can't fire me from being Debbie Gibson," she says. That’s one way to look at it.

On to task two! Since the women have lost seemingly every challenge, Trump decides to mix up the teams. Lampanelli and Mendoza are now with Lou Ferrigno, Jillette and Snider, while O'Day and Giudice are with Paul Teutul Sr., Hall and Aiken. The next task? Create a live interactive health segment for Walgreens that both promotes the benefits of walking and touts the company’s new program, Walk With Walgreens. Hall is one PM and Ferrigno the other. The winning team gets $50K.

Hall and O' ay, now teammates, instantly butt heads. "She's a narcissistic piece of work," Hall says. O'Day, while certainly creative, takes charge for much of the task, often not letting Hall get a word in. This clearly gets under his, and other team members', skin.

Things aren't much better on the other squad. At one point, Lampanelli, speaking about her new teammate Ferrigno, turns to the camera – right in front of Ferrigno, no less – and mutters, "It'll be so sad when he goes home tomorrow."

Both teams must design a box for the Walking With Walgreens program. Hall's team goes with a design featuring each of their faces; Ferrigno's goes for a more sleek, professional look. Presentation-wise, Hall's team does a game show that promotes the benefits of walking; Ferrigno's team goes for a mix of heartfelt confession and lighthearted comedy.

Each team's presentation goes smoothly – that is, other than when Jillette says Walmart instead of Walgreens, which appears to send this task's guest judge, Allison Sweeny of The Biggest Loser, into temporary cardiac arrest.

For the second time this evening, we're now back in the boardroom. Before learning if his team won or lost, Aresenio Hall lets loose on O'Day: He’s had enough of her self-centered behavior. "Her whole personality is about Aubrey," he says. O’Day fires back. "I admired him on television. I don't admire him anymore," she says. It doesn’t even matter. Hall's team chalks up the win. O’Day, however, has had enough. She storms off, gets in the elevator where all good celebrities go to die, and seems to indicate she’s leaving the show!

Back in the boardroom, Ferrigno, whose team lost, chooses to bring back Mendoza and Snider for potential firing. Ferrigno says Snider did not give 110 percent (nope, only 100) and Dayana, well, she's just Dayana, so she should probably be up for elimination, right? Trump presses Ferrigno as to why, as the project manager, he shouldn't be fired. Ferrigno is now sweating profusely – perhaps because Snider describes him as "limited" in ability.

In the end, however, Snider, whose box design the Walgreens execs felt was not up to par, is the one who's fired. "I hate to fire people," Trump says, surely realizing the absurdity of the statement.

Next Week: Did O’Day really leave? Is Lampanelli out for blood? It’s so intense we can hardly type.

Last episode: Let the Mocking Begin

To read the new issue of Rolling Stone online, plus the entire RS archive: Click Here

Amazon Music and MP3 Center

Read more »

'Celebrity Apprentice' Recap: Let the Mocking Begin

Lou Ferrigno in 'Crystal Light Mocktail Party.'

With a healthy number of players on both the men and women's teams having been fired, we now enter the part of the season we lovingly refer to as the "Everyone's Just Awesome!" phase. Essentially, both teams now feel as if the bad seeds have been rooted out and only the top players remain. It's all well and good. But the harsh reality is that every week Trump will still unleash his fiery wrath.

In last week's board room, women's project manager Tia Carrere was canned; much to the men’s surprise, she put up a rather weak fight. But the in-team bickering among the females has clearly taken its toll. "The boardroom has divided our team," says Aubrey O'Day. "Half of us aren't talking."

Last week's winning project manager, Lou Ferrigno, gets all verklempt as he delivers a $50K check to a young girl battling muscular dystrophy. We must say, it never does get less entertaining to watch bulging freaks of nature wear their heart on their sleeve.

So what's this week's task? Crystal Light, thy makers of watery, supposedly healthy drinks, has unveiled a new product line of "mocktails," or cocktail-like drinks that look like the real thing (but presumably don't lead to violence or infidelity). Each team is to throw a Crystal Light party and unveil one of the brand's new drinks. They will be judged on creativity, brand messaging and the overall party atmosphere. The winning team’s project manager will get $50K for his or her charity.

O'Day, having thrown many a party during her sorority days, is project manager for the women. Clay Aiken steps up for the men. Aiken, however, in a moment of concern that O'Day is at an advantage for this task, delivers easily the season's best line to date. "Aubrey popped right out of her mama's chach and started grabbing onto the stripper pole," the crooner says of O’Day’s party-girl reputation. There’s not much context to Aiken’s statement, but it’s brilliant nonetheless, if only for his incorporation of the word "chach." It’s determined the women’s party will promote a Pomtini drink while the men must promote a Peach Bellini flavored drink (we have no idea what a "Bellini" is).

After being told by the Crystal Light executives that the "mocktail" product line is "sassy" and "vibrant," the women decide to go with a "forbidden fruit" party theme. In their eyes, thanks to the Crystal Light Pomtini, the pomegranate shall now be viewed as the "unforbidden" fruit. Taking a far different approach, the men go with a beach theme – specifically, a "Life's a Peach" theme.

Both teams, unsurprisingly, are working quite well together. Remember, by this point, everyone thinks each other is AWESOME! Teresa Giudice, who’s been told she has "exquisite taste" (by whom we are never informed) handles the women’s decor, while model Patricia Velasquez is in charge of signage and branding, and fellow model Dayana Mendoza takes pictures of flowers to enact a "Garden of Eden" feel. O'Day and Lisa Lampanelli, per usual, take the lead in terms of creative execution. (Side Note: We were totally psyched when Lampanelli gave Rolling Stone a shout-out when she mentioned she was an RS editor back in the day!) And what is Debbie Gibson doing during all this, you might be asking yourself? Oh, well, that's simple. Creating a ridiculous custom song for Crystal Light.

The men are similarly also all on the same page, other than some palpable tension between Aiken and Penn Jillette stemming from a tiff last week. They're lugging sand around, setting up a tiki bar, and assigning their team musclemen, Paul Teutul Sr. and Lou Ferrigno, to execute the hilarious task of delicately arranging mini-drink umbrellas for the party.  "Freaking umbrellas!" Teutul mutters under his breath.

The next day, both parties get underway. While the women's party jumps off to a quick start – there's a fun, lively atmosphere, lots of people, and Gibson is belting out her annoying new song – the men's struggles to gain momentum. However, big-breasted women in bikinis and dudes who look like they belong in front of Abercrombie & Fitch soon arrive to kick off the indoor beach-party festivities. The Limbo is performed; an Arsenio Hall-led soul train snakes its way around the room. Hell, even Kathie Lee Gifford shows up, if for nothing else than to remark that she feels like she's at a bar mitzvah. To top it off, Aiken leads a group sing-along of the Drifters’ "Under the Boardwalk."

The Crystal Light executives, who visit both parties, are impressed by both team’s efforts. Their only gripes are that the men didn’t have enough signage and the women's brand messaging wasn't spot on. And on to the board room we go!

Lampanelli is "99 percent sure" the women won. Continuing the "Everyone's Just Awesome" theme, the women are all complimentary of O'Day's performance as project manager.  The men are equally complimentary of Aiken. "I don't think the team was ever stronger," Dee Snider remarks. Of course, Trump, in his devilish ways, demands that both PMs say who they would take back to the boardroom with them if their team lost. Aiken mumbles some feel-good crap before saying he'd bring back Snider and Teutul Sr. . . or perhaps Ferrigno. O'Day would bring back Velasquez and Mendoza, leading Snider to suggest she is biased against Venezuelans.

So who won? "You will break my heart," O'Day tells Trump when he asks if she thought the women lost. "Well, consider your heart broken," Trump says. The women are stunned: O'Day is crying, and even Lampanelli gets teary-eyed when Trump offers to donate a consolation prize of $10K to O'Day's charity. The consensus among the women is that no one did a particularly bad job, but that Mendoza is probably the weakest player. Yet when Donald Trump Jr. reveals that the Crystal Light executes thought the women’s signage was off (the word "Pomtini" was larger than "Crystal Light"), the ax begins to fall upon Velasquez. After all, she was the one who made the signs.

O'Day brings Mendoza and Velasquez back with her to the board room, where there's the typical catty fighting. "Let us know how you're a strong player?" O'Day implores Mendoza. "Dayana can only be an executor," she adds. Ultimately, however, it’s clear that Velasquez, not Mendoza, was responsible for the one flaw that lost this specific challenge for the women: the signage. "The details were done by Patricia," Trump explains. Without hesitation, he sets her free with a swift "You're fired!" 

"I hate this game!" O'Day says mid-sniffle as the three ladies exit the board room. Oh Aubrey, keep your chin up, kid! It'll all be over soon.

Next Week: Oh, snap! The teams are switched up – yup, the men and women will be working together – for a two-task episode. What's that, you say? Someone walks out? Yes, someone is leaving this madness, without being fired. Who will it be? Stay tuned.

Last episode: Cleanup Duty

To read the new issue of Rolling Stone online, plus the entire RS archive: Click Here

Amazon Music and MP3 Center

Read more »

'Celebrity Apprentice' Recap: Cleanup Duty

Lou Ferrigno on 'The Celebrity Apprentice.'

Tensions are running high for the remaining contestants on Celebrity Apprentice after Adam Carolla tried to take the fall for his team's loss – and wound up getting both himself and Michael Andretti fired in the process.

Needless to say, no one wants their team to suffer the same fate again. So when the women lose this week's task, Tia Carrere holds Donald Trump's feet to the fire before she achieves reality-show martyrdom by falling on the sword.

But let's back up.

After their second straight win, the women discuss how they must stay focused and stop squabbling in order to stay on top. Easier said than done, right?

On the flipside, some men (cough, Arsenio Hall, cough) are still gunning for Lou Ferrigno, who has now dodged several boardroom bullets. Knowing he's in deep doo-doo, Lou knows it's time to prove he isn't the weakest link. Also easier said than done, right?

This week's challenge involves promoting a new mop for O-Cedar. (Thrilling, I know.) The teams must create an original theme and use that theme in a viral video to promote the product. They will be judged on product integration, entertainment value and brand messaging, with the winning project manager nabbing $50,000 for his or her charity. The PMs are Lou and Tia.

After meeting with the company execs, the ladies come up with a double entendre: "What's Your Number?" It's implied they're asking, "How many people have you banged?" But all they really wanna know is how many mops you've used in your lifetime. Phew! Wait . . . what? 

Meanwhile, the men come up with the catch phrase "I'll mop the floor with you," featuring muscle-bound Lou making the product the "hero." It only took five weeks, but the former TV Hulk finally found a way to flex his pecs for the camera. But when Penn Jillette takes issue with the idea, he beats on it like a boxer going after a championship belt. Before he can completely crush the Hulk's spirit, though, voice of reason Clay Aiken swoops in like an angel and breaks things up, calling Penn out for being "negative" and trying to "set Lou up to fail." Snap! 

In the women's war room, Dayana Mendoza thinks their theme is too confusing. She puts pen to paper and comes up with a racy, entendre-fueled monologue about her "first time." Loudmouth comedian Lisa Lampanelli thinks it's inappropriate – and if she thinks you should pull the brakes, you should probably use all your weight. They eventually compromise and come up with a more boring . . .  oops, I mean, less eyebrow-raising version.

When it's time to shoot the videos, Penn is still licking his wounds over Clay's comments. The two sit down and try to smooth things over, but the conversation just seems to go in circles. They finally call a (temporary) truce in order to focus on the task at hand: putting Lou in a pink cupcake-print apron and filming him dancing around a kitchen with a mop. Cha-ching!

Back in LadyLand, Tia and the always outspoken Aubrey O'Day are clashing when it comes to the creative vision of the video, which features each team member discussing her "number." When Aubrey makes a suggestion about how to shoot it, Tia shuts her down. To prove it's personal, Aubrey plays a game of telephone, telling Lisa to approach Tia with the exact same idea. And guess what? Tia decides to roll with it. Burn!

While the men are hitting their share of speed bumps, the women are seriously unraveling. Debbie Gibson questions teammates about whether they "get" the concept. Aubrey feels like she's being relegated to the corner even though her ideas are clearly "brilliant." And Lisa loses it when Dayana keeps trying to insert herself wherever she can. (Sorry, Dayana, we still don't know and don't care who you are.)

After playing their videos to the execs, the teams face off in the boardroom. It's do or die time for Lou, who knows he'll be on the chopping block once again if his team loses. But they don't, as the company thought they knocked it out of the park by making the mop the "hero" of the story. Cupcakes for all!

Soon the female mud wrestling begins, as the ladies start slinging anything they think will stick at each other in order to save their own hides. First Tia and Debbie butt heads when Tia calls the Eighties pop icon a control freak. Then Tia and Lisa go at it when Lisa refuses to mince words about the fact the project manager should be fired. Finally, Tia and Aubrey rip into each other, as Aubrey claims Tia's jealousy got in the way of her being an effective leader. (For the record, Tia's biggest claim to fame is her role as the hot chick in the Wayne's World movies, and Aubrey was in the Making the Band-manufactured girl group Danity Kane. Yeah, I'm not sure where these egos are coming from either.)

Anyway, the common thread here? Tia. Thankfully, she's smart enough to see the writing on the wall: It's time to go.

When Trump asks which two women she wants to place in front of the firing squad, she asks him point-blank: if she takes full responsibility, like Adam did last week, will two people be fired? His answer: No.

With that, Tia takes the blame and is fired on the spot. She feels she can leave with her "head held high" before the season turns "ugly and cruel." Here's hoping your prophecy comes true, Tia! Things really need to get juicier.

Last episode: Ladies and Gentlemen, Rev Your Engines

To read the new issue of Rolling Stone online, plus the entire RS archive: Click Here

Amazon Music and MP3 Center

Read more »

'Celebrity Apprentice' Recap: Ladies and Gentlemen, Rev Your Engines

Dee Snider, Clay Aiken and Lou Ferrigno on 'The Celebrity Apprentice.'

This season of Celebrity Apprentice may not boast the most impressive or cast of characters – sorry, but who are Dayana Mendoza and Patricia Velasquez again? – but leave it to Donald Trump to create drama out of thin air. Yes, it's week four: Let the fat-trimming begin!

Last week, Arsenio Hall and Lou Ferrigno were visibly shaken upon returning from the boardroom after Trump sent Star Trek star George Takei back to the mother ship. It was the first loss of the season for the men's team, but it most definitely wasn't their last.

In fact, the men so spectacularly failed this week that the Donald fired not one but two of them in the boardroom. And here's how it all went down.

To begin, the teams are tasked with helping introduce the all-new Buick Verano by putting together a presentation and Q&A session in front of a live audience. They will be judged on informational content, brand messaging and overall creativity. The winning team's project manager will receive $50,000 for his or her charity. Not bad for a day's work.

Meet the 2012 'Celebrity Apprentice' Contestants

When it comes time to pick project managers, the women feel they're at a disadvantage because they're just "a bunch of chicks." Why in the world would they excel at a task like this, they wonder, even though I can only assume most (if not all) of them drive, or have at least been in, a car? Way to undersell yourselves, ladies.

Despite the oh-so-obvious gender-based handicap (insert eye-roll here), they choose pop singer Debbie Gibson – and her distracting, hot pink and baby blue, straight-from-the-Eighties makeup – to lead the charge.

When the men announce their project manager, Trump is shocked to hear they're going with funnyman Adam Corolla rather than race car driver Michael Andretti. Makes perfect sense, right? Sure, why not. This show's not about winning or anything.

After sitting down with the execs, the women come up with the slogan "We Are All Buick," and they plan to emphasize the "heart" of the car by sharing their personal stories. Of course, it isn't a total breeze tying everything together: some of the women (ahem, Tia Carrere) feel left out of the decision-making process because they aren't invited to ride in the "cool kid" van.

On the flipside, the men struggle to come up with a cohesive concept. Things get off to a rocky start with the execs when Adam makes some off-color comments . . . right after the execs make it perfectly clear they don't want the presentation to be like a "beer commercial." Mo one on the team screams "class" more than Carolla, right?

After floating some odd ideas, like Lou Ferrigno's suggestion that he dress as his signature character the Hulk, Adam latches onto that totally unwanted "beer commercial" mentality and runs with it. He thinks it's a great idea to have the rest of the celebs play foul-mouthed hecklers who interrupt his presentation and take over the Q&A. All they're missing now are some dick and fart jokes to really make them shine.

When it's time for the presentations, the women parade out one at a time, telling personal stories that highlight features of the car. Singer Aubrey O'Day thinks it's a bit "gimmicky," just a platform for Debbie Gibson's comeback tour. But it's Aubrey who flubs the most when she refers to the car as the "Verona" – twice – rather than by its correct name, Verano.

Meanwhile, on the men's side, Adam appears super-nervous while leading his presentation. And he should be, because the heckler bit falls flat, especially when American Chopper's Paul Teutul Sr. dryly yells, "You suck!" before being put into a headlock and dragged off by Ferrigno. (Um, where are those dick and fart jokes when you really need them?)

Still, in the boardroom, Adam is so confident that his team will win, he tells Trump he's willing to take the fall and be fired if they don't. Guess what? The execs think the women did a better job. Maybe their "just a bunch of chicks" routine was just a ploy to throw everyone off.

Trump once again questions why Michael Andretti wasn't leading the charge on the men's side. Although Adam is willing to take all the blame, everyone seems to pig-pile on Andretti and Ferrigno, who doesn't have much to offer in terms of ideas, aside from wanting to dress up as the Hulk.

When Trump puts him on the spot, Adam refuses to pick anyone to come back before the firing squad. Normally, this would get him fired on the spot, but this time Trump decides to teach a lesson, announcing he'll be firing not one but two celebs from the men's team. Tsk, tsk.

The men once again gang up on Ferrigno, clearly hoping he'll get the boot. Trump doesn't see things their way, saying they didn't lose this particular task because of Lou. So . . .

Trump first fires Adam because he was the project manager and, let's face it, set himself up for it. (Hasn't he watched past seasons of Celebrity Apprentice? Trump likes lover,s not fighters. Wait, no – I mean fighters, not quitters!) Then he cuts Andretti loose for failing to step up and lead. It's a fat-trimming two-fer!

Last episode: It's All Just Window Dressing

To read the new issue of Rolling Stone online, plus the entire RS archive: Click Here

Amazon Music and MP3 Center

Read more »

'Celebrity Apprentice' Recap: It's All Just Window Dressing

Debbie Gibson works on the window display for the women's team on 'The Celebrity Apprentice.'

We've said it before. We'll say it again. Reality TV is a dish best served dramatic. And after the women unleashed a fangs-out melee in last week's boardroom brouhaha – ultimately, mob daughter Victoria Gotti got shelved – we can now rest assured that Celebrity Apprentice has reclaimed its patented I'll-stab-you-in-the-back-to-get-ahead mojo.

Having suffered two straight losses to start the season, the women's team is in dire need of a victory entering the third week of competition. "It was not fun," says Miss Universe Dayana Mendoza, having just escaped Trump's wrath in the boardroom. Comedian Lisa Lampanelli, after going all psycho-chick on Gotti, spells out the women's team's objective going forward: "We've gotta kick those men's asses."

Magician Penn Jillette, the men's project manager on their last task, delivers a $20K check to his charity, Opportunity Village, a non-profit serving those with intellectual disabilities, after which the two teams convene and are given their next task. Trump explains: The men and women are going to be designing and staging a live window display, a.k.a. "window dressing." The displays, which will be located in the Fifth Avenue windows of department store Lord & Taylor, are to showcase Trump's daughter Ivanka's clothing and accessory line. "Window dressing" seems like a foreign concept to comedian Adam Carolla, who has now returned from his mysterious absence last week. "I thought it was somewhere between ranch and Thousand Island," he says. Ivanka and Lord & Taylor's Scott Devine will be judging the task on creativity, brand messaging and overall presentation. And who will be project managers this week?

Meet the 2012 'Celebrity Apprentice' Contestants

On the women's side, Mendoza steps up and accepts the challenge. Jersey's finest lady, Teresa Giudice, having hoped to lead the team, is hardly pleased. "The girl from Jersey can't get a chance," she says. The men decide to go with absurdly slow-spoken Star Trek alum George Takei. Why? Because, well, as Carolla says, "he's gay." "We will boldly go where we haven't gone before," Takei says in a Trek-ian intonation.

The teams break off to plot out their displays. Despite Mendoza being project manager, it's once again reality TV star Aubrey O'Day who takes a vocal role. O'Day suggests a "timeless" theme, whereby the women's displays will follow a day in the life of a woman in power, like Ivanka Trump. Not all the women are pleased with O'Day's assertive nature. "It was the Aubrey show," says Eighties pop princess Debbie Gibson.

The men aren't all that cohesive, either, and it seems to be stemming from Takei's unassertive demeanor. "George is a little bit slower to process information," says American Idol's Clay Aiken. The men ultimately decide to go with a "Day and Night" idea, which will include Jillette's genius idea: Twins. "I've seen smoke, I've seen wind, I've seen robot movement," Jillette says, flexing his window-display knowledge guns. "But I haven't seen twins." The men aim to show Ivanka's clothing line as adaptable to both a business and nightlife setting. Naturally, identical twins partaking in both activities makes sense, right?

The women, meanwhile, decide that Mendoza and O'Day will serve as models in their window displays. Gibson wants to get in on the action, but Mendoza politely tells her she doesn't fit the brand's 25-35 demographic. (Translation: she's too old). At this point the women must split up. Half go to Brooklyn to help construct the physical sets, while the other half pick out the clothing and help style the models they've hired. Once in Brooklyn, Lampanelli points out that the sets are much smaller than the women had initially thought. The women's grand ambitions must be scaled down. Donald Trump Jr. visits the women's squad to check in, but he's a bit puzzled by what he sees. "The ladies think they have a theme, but I have no idea what it is," he says.

The men's team is also split into two halves. Carolla, who apparently is a former carpenter, is in Brooklyn cranking out the set building while Arsenio Hall, along others such as Aiken and Takei, has been tasked with styling the models. Rocker Dee Snider is not in either place. He's at the hospital getting his finger assessed; it was damaged during last week's Medieval Times challenge. As it turns out, he needs immediate surgery. "This is your fault, Trump," he says before being put under. He does return later, in a full sling. Hall wonders how Snider will be able to do the show with one hand.

We now interrupt this recap for a MAJOR announcement: Amanda, Trump's gloriously underrated secretary, makes an appearance. Yes, contain yourself. It's true. Trump's assistant Amanda, who apparently lurks in the shadows and doubles as Ivanka's clothing line employee, helps the men with their styling. Don't worry, however. She barely even gets a word in; her mystique remains intact. The men, however, are having some trouble not even an Amanda sighting can cure. Takei is all over the place, lacking any ability to delegate. As Hall says of Takei and Aiken's lack of fashion sense, "our gay teammates aren't that genre of gay."

The next morning both teams put the final touches on their displays. American Chopper's Paul Teutul Sr., who was tasked the day before with making "Ivanka Trump" signs, apparently messed up in his technical execution. Yet when the displays are finally put into action, they look quite sharp.

The women are also scrambling. They'd planned to display sketches of Ivanka's clothing in one window and pictures of models in the other. However, the model pictures were never printed. O'Day responds by reacting on the fly, coming up with a concept where she'll act as a "designer," blowing kisses to the street audience. Hey, it was last minute. Cut the girl some slack.

As the displays rise hydraulically from the bowels of Manhattan to street level and the curtains are pulled down, both squads' hard work is finally on public display. Ivanka, along with Lord & Taylor's Devine, assesses both teams' work. Takei fumbles through his explanation of the men's windows. The women are far more polished in their presentation. What do the finished displays look like? The men's two windows see Aiken and three models in an office setting in one window and Hall and three models on a red carpet in the other. The women's, comparatively, have Mendoza looking model-y in one and O'Day blowing the aforementioned kisses in the other. Ivanka vaguely indicates she doesn't love the men's clothing choices, but that the women's displays look a bit amateurish.

And we're now in the boardroom. The women, typically quick to bite each other's heads off, are surprisingly civil. Neither Mendoza nor O' Day – hell, none of them, for that matter – will speak badly about their teammates. And the men are equally kind to one another, though there does appear to be some consensus that Takei may have been a bit too "hands-off" in his leadership approach. After Trump's two sons explain Ivanka's assessment of both displays – she liked the woman's attention to detail but didn't like some of their display's aesthetics, while she felt the men had solid brand messaging but didn't pick out stylish clothing – Trump reveals that the women's team has won its first challenge.

The women file out feeling giddy, and for the first time the men must go to battle. But the word "battle" assumes there's conflict. It's not to be found. For a bunch of strong-wllled dudes, the men come across as tough as a plush teddy bear. Trump starts by announcing that due to his injury Snider is getting a pass this week. The men soon start complimenting one another. What gives? In between the steady stream of man-love being thrown around, it appears that most of the men are in agreement that Takei wasn't a strong leader but that Hall was also to blame for making poor styling and fashion decisions. One of them has to go. Because he has to pick someone else besides Hall to join him back in the boardroom, Takei chooses Lou Ferrigno. Apparently the Hulk-of-a-man "misunderstands directions" and "got in the way."

Back in the boardroom, Takei lies down and lets the bus that is Donald Trump run him over. Yes, it was Hall who made all the awful fashion and styling choices, but Takei essentially concedes. Before giving Takei the verbal sledgehammer to the head, Trump throws in one last compliment. "You know who else has the most respect for you," Trump asks after both Hall and Ferrigno profess their undying love for the man. "Donald Trump." He may have gotten fired, but at least Takei knows a sleazy billionaire likes him. That has to make the pill at least a bit easier to swallow.

Next Week: As if the product placement isn't already shoved down our throats, next week both teams will be hawking cars – more specifically, the new Buick Verano. Prepare for the women's team's boardroom bickering to resume: Debbie Gibson is project manager, and the singer is taking no prisoners.

To read the new issue of Rolling Stone online, plus the entire RS archive: Click Here

Amazon Music and MP3 Center

Read more »

'Celebrity Apprentice' Recap: Getting 'Mid-Evil'

Penn Jillette juggles with fire on 'The Celebrity Apprentice.'

In a rather un-Trumpian move, Celebrity Apprentice ran its second episode on a night it was sure to take a ratings beat-down. After all, the 84th annual Academy Awards, a show in which actual celebrities were featured, aired simultaneously. Nonetheless, we imagine Donald Trump's ego prevented him from postponing an episode, no matter the circumstance.

The second episode opens as both teams wait to see which member of the women's squad has been canned. To no one's surprise, former model Cheryl Tiegs gets the ax. But Victoria Gotti, who was called out in last episode's boardroom, issues a stern warning to her teammates – specifically, actress Tia Carrere, who blasted her over the last task. "It's on, baby!" Gotti snarls. "Ya'll better watch out!"

As is standard procedure, last week's winning project manager – in this case, American Chopper big dog Paul Teutul Sr. – delivers a check to his charity. In this instance, it's actually quite touching to see such a gnarly dude getting emotional as he gives a $495K check made out to the Make-A-Wish Foundation to 11-year-old Gabriel, who sadly is suffering from leukemia.

With the remaining contestants gathered – that is, aside from Adam Carolla, who we learn had to host a wedding and will therefore be absent for this challenge (um, OK?) – Trump, joined by trumpeters and a guest mentor, Inside The Actor's Studio's grand enunciator James Lipton, informs the teams of their next task. Both teams will be performing at thy-place-of-greasy-chicken-and-wenches, Medieval Times. The teams must create a 12-to-15-minute performance that will be judged on creativity and overall presentation; the audience will ultimately vote to determine the winning squad.

Photos: Hottest Rock Pictures

For the men, assigning a project manager is a no-brainer: Penn Jillette, who has spent the past two decades being handsomely paid for putting on tacky shows, is naturally the best fit. The women just as swiftly agree on comedian Lisa Lampanelli, who feels confident running the show, as she is "on stage an hour and a half a night." But for the ladies, this is where any camaraderie ends.

Separated into two cars, the women's squad conference calls via speakerphone. Lampanelli is immediately turned off by her teammates' constant need to interrupt. "There's gonna be no interrupting during this task!" she barks, later adding, "I'm not here to teach you not to be an interrupting pain in my ass!" With tempers (tentatively) in check, the women – seeing as how The Real Housewives of New Jersey's Teresa Giudice is on their team and the performance is taking place in New Jersey – decide it best to theme their show "The Unreal Housewives of Camelot." Really, the theme serves as a foreboding sign of the Housewife-esque drama that's to come.

As was the case last week, the men are noticeably more in tune with one another. Perhaps it's because of their humor. "I've been to Medieval Times more than I've been to L.A. strip clubs," Arsenio Hall says proudly. "That's a lot!"

Twisted Sister frontman Dee Snider, who’s yet to show any signs of his typical eccentricity, tells his teammates their show should be "big, gay, loud and fun." They therefore decide to dress the singer up in drag and deem him "Lady Dee." The men's show, as Jillette later admits, doesn't have a "real plot," but the team members nonetheless work on perfecting its scenes. Lou Ferrigno gets giddy that he's using a sword; Teutul Sr. plans to utilize a medieval-themed chopper (is there going to be a task in which he doesn't use a chopper?!?); Clay Aiken will sing an impossibly high note.

The women also assign roles for the show. But Gotti is not happy. Lampanelli, after assigning acting roles to other team members, gives her the task of being "creative director." To which the mob daughter feels as if she's been put "in a closet." The drama continues: we see Gotti practicing sword-fighting while donning a Louis Vuitton messenger bag, and when Lampanelli asks Gotti to research medieval language, Gotti types "mid-evil" into Google, much to the comedian's dismay.

As Day Two begins and the teams head back to Medieval Times to rehearse before showtime, we learn that Gotti told Lampanelli she wanted to join the men's team; she felt she was being under-utilized. Lampanelli reassures her that as the creative director she'll be a "gangster in the booth," and all seems to be well. Rehearsals are shaky for both teams, however. On the men's side, George Takei is having trouble with the script, and Dee Snider breaks his finger after being thrown from a horse. The women, meanwhile, can't seem to get on the same page with their script and cues.

After nearly an hour, we are at last treated to both teams' actual performances. The men's show is nearly flawless: Snider performs despite his injury, looking, as Takei says, "lovely" as a woman" – although apparently not lovely enough for Ferrigno, as the muscle man mock-kills himself rather than kissing the singer.

The women's show gets off to a rocky start. Gotti doesn't cue up a trumpet as Miss Universe Dayana Mendoza comes out riding a horse while wearing a nude body suit, and Lampanelli awkwardly begins her announcing duties amid the crowd’s silence. Other highlights include Debbie Gibson flashing her derrière to the child-heavy crowd and Giudice flipping a table in a nod to her famous Real Housewives blowup.

In the boardroom, the good times really get going. Lampanelli feels "confident, but not cocky" about her team's performance. Quickly, however, the claws come out. Gotti says she was "really hurt" by Lampanelli dismissing her as a vital team member. "Don't expect me to be your mother!" Lampanelli responds. The men, by contrast, all have crazy love for Jillette's performance as project manager. But when Trump forces the oafish comedian to name two players he'd bring back into the boardroom if his team lost (he picks Ferrigno and Takei), all love goes out the window – at least from Ferrigno, who says he feels insulted that Jillette "underestimated" him.

After James Lipton praises the work of both squads – hard to imagine he believes what he's saying – the winning team is announced. By a score of 550 to 363, the men, for the second week in a row, are victorious. They are dismissed, and the women are left to battle it out once again.

As the women begin to bicker, Lipton looks utterly terrified. Gotti begins to cry, and Trump offers her a backhanded compliment: "You do have a heart.” The tension, specifically between Lampanelli and Gotti, is palpable. Lampanelli decides to bring back Gotti and Mendoza to the boardroom; Lampanelli says she feels Mendoza, like Gotti, didn't contribute much to the team effort. Even as they wait to be called back into the boardroom by our favorite TV assistant, Amanda, Lampanelli and Gotti fire verbal slingshots at one another. At one point, Lampanelli mouths, "Shut the fuck up!"

Back in the boardroom, Mendoza can only laugh as Lampanelli and Gotti get catty. The obvious high point comes as Lipton, in a gem of a- oliloquy, says the defining factor in this task was deciding who had that "seven-syllable word" he tells all his students: P-A-S-S-I-O-N. Mendoza admits that Lampanelli, not Gotti, has more energy and would be a better team asset going forward. Trump sees no other choice but to let Gotti go. "There's no question you were thinking about quitting," Trump says. "I hate that!" Gotti departs, awkwardly hugging Mendoza and leaving 16 contestants to duke it out.

Next Week: With Lampanelli having unleashed her inner beast, the competition promises to be quite juicy going forward. In next week’s preview, we learn that both teams will design a window display for Trump's daughter Ivanka's fashion line. Seriously, though, when will anything dramatic happen with the men's team? It could be next week: Snider apparently may have to quit due to his injured finger. Stay tuned.

To read the new issue of Rolling Stone online, plus the entire RS archive: Click Here

Amazon Music and MP3 Center

Read more »

'Celebrity Apprentice' Recap: A New Season Begins

Adam Carolla, Ivanka Trump, Penn Jillette, Paul Teutul, Sr., Clay Aiken and Lou Ferrigno in 'The Celebrity Apprentice.'

In a move that suggests seeing everyday people compete for a job with Donald Trump is no longer all that entertaining, NBC decided to forego a new installment of The Apprentice and instead has fired up another batch of its celebrity sibling. That means more hemming, hawing and clawing from semi-celebrities in an effort to impress Trump, win money for charity, and, above all else, get another 15 minutes of fame. 

The Donald, of thy beautiful pouf and douchebag persona, steps out of a stretch limo in predictably ostentatious fashion to kick off the show’s fifth season. He proclaims it to be "bigger and better." And why is that? More celebrities, naturally. "18 celebrities. 18 egos,” he says.

We love preview montages on reality shows – you know the ones where some juicy goodness of the upcoming season is revealed. So we were quite thrilled when one arrived! From this preview montage we learned that we can look forward to comedian Adam Carolla discussing how he lost his virginity in a Buick Regal; we also see His Hulkness Lou Ferrigno openly weeping. Of course, like all good montages, we also get a peek at upcoming drama. Real Housewives of New Jersey cast member, New York Times best-selling author (shudder) and future mother of a Jersey Shore cast member, Teresa Giudice warns the others, “If you attack me, I'll attack back.” Meanwhile, the mob’s first daughter Victoria Gotti boldly brags that she can make people "disappear." Sounds about right.

The cast assembles for the first time on a stage at NYC’s famed Lincoln Center. (We can also safely say this has to be the lowest collective level of talent ever gathered on that stage.) And in Trumpian fashion, a live orchestra is also on hand to play the show’s overly-dramatic theme music for the contestants. The cast is introduced/grilled by Trump. Giuduice tells Trump she expects to win. To which Twisted Sister frontman Dee Snider says that he instead expects her to flip over a table at some point during the show. (It’s a Real Housewives joke; we don’t really get it.) Carolla tells everyone that he's playing for the "White Kids without iPads" charity.

Per usual, the teams are split up by sex; they’re directed by Trump to head back to Trump Tower, decide on a team name and assign a project manager for their first task. This is always one of the best parts of the show. Why? Because both teams try to think of a name that is completely meaningless; the name will never matter to a single viewer. Audiences will always refer to the teams as "the men’s team" and "the women’s team." And like always, both teams have trouble coming up with a name. Carolla tosses around such gems as "Team Back Hair" and "Team Honey Badger." But no one’s buying. Especially not American Idol runner-up and proud ginger Clay Aiken, who is already carving out his place as the Season’s Top Whiner. The females are equally divided: Giudice throws out some Italian name that on one likes – not even Victoria Gotti. Eighties pop princess Debbie Gibson mumbles some idea that everyone thinks is terrible. The men end up going with Team Unanimous – magician/comedian Penn Jillete’s idea – and the women choose the equally uninspiring name Team Forte.

Assigning a project manager is smoother sailing for both squads: Paul Teutul Sr., of Fu-Manchu mustache and American Chopper-fame, steps up and mumbles through his beautifully manicured lip jacket that he'll take on the leadership role; Latin model Patricia Velasquez volunteers to head up the women's squad because she "runs organizations." Both teams reconvene in the board room where Trump and his trusty sidekicks, greasy-haired son Donald Jr. and Queen-of-Cold daughter Ivanka, are waiting. Interestingly enough, our intense focus had prevented us from noticing that previously-announced cast member Michael Andretti was missing. As Trump explains to both teams, the racecar driver’s son, Marco, was originally slated to be a cast member. But when Marco’s fellow driver and close friend, Dan Wheldon, died in a tragic Las Vegas crash, Marco opted out of the show. Michael, who will be arriving shortly, stepped up to fill his son’s spot.

OK, so what's the task already? Trump tells the teams they’re going to be selling sandwiches at NYC's Cafe Metro. And whichever team brings in the most money wins. Simple enough.

However, we must interrupt this recap to point out where we believe Celebrity Apprentice often loses its way: What becomes evident in this first episode, and what always seems to be the show’s downfall, is the fact that any task involving “selling” almost always comes down to which team has a bigger network of obscenely-rich friends willing to donate. Because, while the task may be selling sandwiches, all that really matters is what whales come out to pony up the cash for their friends.

So even though the sandwiches essentially become meaningless, both teams strategize. The men go with a "Chopper" theme for their sandwich shop in honor of their project manager, Teutul Sr. The men also hope that circus-like antics outside their shop – which will include Jillette swallowing fire and some of Teutul Sr.’s motorcycle bros circling around in choppers while looking intimidating – will attract customers. (But again, does this even matter? It’s all about who can get someone to write checks.) Project manager Teutul Sr. also proceeds to shock everyone on his team when he preemptively projects that with his fat-cat contacts he can bring in half a million dollars in sandwich donations.

Meanwhile, the female team decides to go with a "red carpet" theme for their sandwich shop. Former Danity Kane front woman and Diddy nemesis, Aubrey O'Day, takes a moment to tell the camera that she believes she’s the most recognizable face on the women’s team after it was collectively agreed that the honor belongs to Giudice. O’ Day’s justification? "I have the most Twitter followers," says the formerly-blonde singer whose hair color now resembles improperly-mixed magenta paint.

The next morning, both teams head to their respective shops. And this is when our first taste of drama occurs – although for this show, it’s really not all that juicy. Teutul Sr., whose managerial style is reminiscent of a disgruntled sweatshop boss, thinks that Takei is, as he later calls him, too "meek." Takei disagrees. But despite not meshing with Teutul, Takei is in good spirits when Ferrigno takes off his shirt revealing old-man chiseled pecs. The women are meshing quite well. However Victoria Gotti does arrive an hour late and claims a torn cornea – or was it her retina? – is to blame.

Throughout the day, both teams attract large crowds to their respective stores; the sandwiches are flying out the door. Aiken works the register for the men and tries convincing people to pay $100 for a sandwich, to which most reply "No." Jillette stays out front juggling fire while Ferrigno flexes his muscles and holds a sign that reads "Eat Here or I'll Eat You." The women are not as flashy out-front. But they appear to be bringing in the big bucks. Wyclef Jean stops by for a jam session with both Gibson and O’ Day and also buys a $15K "sandwich"; Russell Simmons drops in and spends $10K on a nasty vegan sandwich that Gotti can’t even believe the music mogul’s willing to eat.

Trump then throws both teams a curve ball: He calls up both project managers and instructs them that their team must bring its best sandwich onto the Rachael Ray Show to see whose creation reigns supreme. The winner will receive "big money," Trump says. Raunchy comedian Lisa Lampanelli and Gotti bring the women’s "Celebrity Club Internacional" sandwich. "Woo-Woo-late-night dude" Aresnio Hall and Carolla bring the men’s "Chopper" sandwich. Ray praises both, but doesn’t reveal the winner.

Heading into the board room – which is always the best part of this show – all signs point to the women being crowned the winners. Clay Aiken is nervous that Teutul Sr. may not have delivered on his bold $500K prediction. Without knowing who won, both teams come out with guns blazing. Velasquez says model Cheryl Tiegs and Gotti were the weak links. Teutul Sr. outs Takei and Hall as his team's underachievers. After the usual back-and-forth bickering, Trump reveals that the men not only won the Rachael Ray challenge, for which they’ll get an additional $35K, but they surprisingly also won the overall challenge by finishing with an incredible total of $332K. By comparison, the women raised a still-impressive $125K. It is also revealed, however, that the men’s team essentially won by receiving one $305K donation, which does nothing but support our previous point that actual item being sold was meaningless.

The victorious men are dismissed and the women go to battle. There's a consensus among the female team that project manager Velasquez did an outstanding job, despite the loss. It looks like she’s safe. But it does become evident that most of the team feels Tiegs and Gotti are the weak links. To them, Tiegs is aloof and slow; Gotti is indifferent. So Velasquez chooses these two women to return with her to the boardroom to face Trump.

And then, nearly two hours into the episode, we get our first moment of bliss: Amanda! (For those unaware, Amanda is Trump's perpetually-silent assistant who only mutters the words "Yes, Mr. Trump" while smiling. Trust us, you’ll come to love her as we do.)

Back in the board room, Velasquez, Tiegs and Gotti talk – not yell – it out. It's between Tiegs and Gotti as far as who is getting axed. "I don't know if this is right for me. I'm more of a quiet person," Tiegs admits when Trump suggests that perhaps she's not cut out for this show. With those words, Tiegs writes her own death sentence; Trump has no choice but to fire the former model. And with that, 18 is now 17.

Next Week: We certainly had hoped for more drama and flare-ups in the season opener. But the preview of the next episode indicates that good times are coming soon! Next week the contestants square off at Medieval Times and Dee Snider dresses in drag. 

To read the new issue of Rolling Stone online, plus the entire RS archive: Click Here

Amazon Music and MP3 Center

Read more »